Hi everybody! JP has asked me to fill in for him for the next couple of weeks so he can take a break and collect his thoughts. Okay, so that’s a lie. I’ve been begging John for months to let me write for the site and he finally agreed. I mean, kidnapping his dog was probably a bit extreme, but hindsight and all that jazz. Here are some fast facts about me:
1. I played high school baseball, and therefore love the game. I notice this site lacks in baseball knowledge, so I will fix that oversight.
2. My favorite comic book characters (in no particular order) are: Deadpool, Archangel, Punisher, and Batman.
3. I grew up in Long Beach, CA (yes, just like Snoop Dogg) so I have plenty of street cred.
Enough of that nonsense, on to the baseball talk! With the trading deadline right around the corner, everyone is talking about what all the “pretenders” need (a big bat, starting pitching, bullpen help, etc) in order to be “contenders”. But what everyone else is neglecting to mention is the idea of luck. This factor is often described as a hot streak, chemistry, or playoff experience, but it all boils down to luck. Which team gets the luckiest over the two months of post season play. Some teams get all the luck (’06 Cardinals, ’05 White Sox, ’04 Red Sox…do you see a pattern emerging?) and other teams lose all the luck (Yankees, Cubs, mid ’90′s Indians). In fact, the team with the best line up from top to bottom rarely wins (just ask the Yankees. OH SNAPS!!!1!one!). So where am I going with all this? Glad you asked. I’m saying that the trading deadline, and all it’s mystique and intrigue generated by The Four Letter Network of Doom is in fact crap. You want to know which team is going to win the World Series? The team that can roll the most “hard way 8′s” when it’s their turn with the dice. But, seeing as how I’m a genius, I’ll take a look at all the teams in contention and let you know how the rest of the season will play out for them (“contenders” are identified as teams within 2 games of their division lead or the wild card as of 7/30/07. Odds of making playoffs are from Baseball Prospecticus)
AL West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim de Cuba (with a Nod to the Commonwealth of Guam) – currently leading division, 88.9% chance of making playoffs (COMP). Oh c’mon! It’s just a matter of time before Arte Moreno tries to increase revenue by exploiting the poor people of Guam. The Angels make no significant moves, as Bill Stoneman does exactly what his last name would suggest. The Angels make the playoffs, but get eliminated by the Tigers in the first round after Vlad Guerrero is unable to play. Why can’t Vlad the Impaler play? He was taking pictures of the field before the first game when Kenny Rogers runs up and blindsides him with a split fingered steel chair to the head. As Vlad lays on the ground, unmoving, Rogers screams “Nobody f*cks with The Gambler! NO PICTURES!!”.
Seattle Mariners – 2 games back of Wild Card, 26.4% COMP. The Seattle Ichiros have been the surprise team of the season so far. With the season is on the line, Captain Sleepyhead gives the most inspirational speech ever. He talks about his father slaving away so Ichiro could play baseball. He talks about all the children that are looking up to them as inspirations. He even talks about the ghost of Jay Buhner that still haunts the clubhouse. Oh wait, that’s the actual Jay Buhner, looking for a free meal. But despite all his great words, and all his fervor and excitement, the Mariners get swept by the Rangers on the last weekend of the season and just miss the playoffs. I guess he should have done the speech in English. (For the record, Kenji Johjima had the game of this life.)
AL Central
Detroit Tigers – currently leading division, 75.5% COMP. Last year’s Cinderella story now has everyone’s attention, and is actually a favorite to take it all. And they will get very close. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride I guess, as the Tigers make to the World Series for a second year in a row but fail to win the title. Jim Leyland becomes the first manager in history to hand in his line-up card while smoking a Marlboro Red.
Edit: I just got word that Gary Sheffield has called me a racist for not picking them to win it all. Little does he know I have TONS of black friends, so I can’t be racist.
Cleveland Indians – currently leading Wild Card, 54.2% COMP. The tribe has a great core of young players that could help them contend for years to come. You know, as in the future. They won’t choke like they did last year, but they also won’t get out of the first round of the playoffs. Never trust a man named C.C. They’re poison. (See what I did there?)
AL East
Boston Red Sox – currently leading division, 94.6% COMP. I hate the Red Sox, and all the Red Sox fans with a passion that burns brighter than 1,000 suns. I hate them so much I killed Jimmy Fallon (haven’t seen him in a while have you? Bet you didn’t even notice…the perfect crime!) But even I have to admit that their team is pretty good this year. Yes, you nation of idiots in Mass., only PRETTY good. Your team is not that great. Your rotation is good, but your line-up is the baseball equivalent of Mike Tyson: not as intimidating as it used to be. That and David Ortiz looks like he’s eaten enough ears for 5 lifetimes. That’s right, I said it! He’s fat! Do something, I dare you!
NL West
Los Angeles Dodgers – currently leading division (tie), 50.2% COMP. The boys in blue have enough pitching and young talent to hang in the toughest division in baseball, and enough fans with knives to get through the post season to win it all. The Dodgers take down the Brewers in the NLCS by letting it slip to Prince Fielder that it’s all you can eat out in right field. He disappears faster than Ozzie Smith visiting the Hole of Mystery.
Arizona Diamondbacks – currently leading division (tie), 28.9% COMP. Hold on, let me recheck the standings…this can’t be right…the Diamondbacks?! I feel like I’ve fallen in some terrible time machine that has sent me back to 2001. Except they don’t have Schilling and Johnson anymore (I mean the REAL Randy Johnson of course, not Brittlebonedoldman McJohnson) so they don’t have a shot. This just in: Livan Hernandez is older than dirt. Or is he…
San Diego Padres – 0.5 games back in division, 51.1% COMP. Another team with a ton of pitching and not nearly enough stick. Saying that a team lacks hitting is like saying a girl has “a great personality”: no matter how hard you work at it, it’s just not going to work out. The Dads make the playoffs but lose to the Brewers (a team that could actually hit it’s way out of a paper bag). Fun fact: even though Ryan Klesko doesn’t play there anymore, he still lives in the catacombs of Petco Park.
NL Central
Milwaukee Brewers – currently leading division, 44.8% COMP. Why does BP give the Brew Crew such small odds of making the post season? Maybe it’s because they haven’t had a winning season since the Paleolithic Era. Maybe it’s because they are named after a bunch of guys who make beer. Maybe it’s the sausage races. Whatever the reason, much like those sausages, this team just keeps on running. They make the playoffs and even win a series. But Cinderella be damned, they can’t seem to get to the dance on time, and their carriage (Prince Fielder, a great big fat person that can hit home runs) turns into a pumpkin (just a great big fat person).
Chicago Cubs - currently 0.5 games back in division, 55.5% COMP. Steve Bartman, goat, curse, NEXT!
NL East
New York Mets - currently leading division, 76.6% COMP. That’s right, that “other team” from NY has been the team to beat the last couple of years. I could talk about starting rotation issues, or a line up that has been under-performing all year, but I’d rather talk about Pedro Martinez. I’m going to break tradition and come out and say “Pedro Martinez: Biggest Jackass In Baseball”. That’s right. Who’s the only player to throw an old man to the ground and own his very own “little person”? No, not Ty Cobb, Pedro Martinez! That’s right, ya jackass! Oh, Mets lose in first round to Dodgers. It’s a close series, goes seven games. Penny pitches a gem in game 7 for the clinch. Jackass!
Thanks for reading. Feel free to discuss any of my scenarios, or any of your own in the comments section.
Hey, welcome! Big shoes to fill (JP’s), but from what I’ve just read, you might be up to the task! And what do we (the blogosphere) call you?
DLamp is good enough for me.