The NFL is like a crazy girlfriend. Some days you and your special lady just sit by a roaring fire, drinking cocoa and talking about how much you love The Office (like in week 1 when my Bengals stole a game from the Ravens). Other times, you come home from a long day of work and her face has streaks of mascara running down her face because she has been crying, for no apparent reason, all day and is threatening to cut you with the knife* in her hands (like the abortion of a game my Bengals had against the Browns in week 2). But no matter how many times she burns you, both figuratively and literally, you keep coming back to her because, well, crazy in the head = crazy in the bed. And now on to the Top 10 Events** in NFL week 2.
*Trust me, you are better off not telling that she is in fact holding a carrot, and that carrots can’t cut a thing.
**Now with only 50% facts!
10. Shocker aka “One in the Brown(s) eye” – When I saw the Vegas line that the Bengals were only giving up 6 points to the hapless Browns, I told everyone I know with a gambling problem to bet their futures on that game. Now, let’s just say I have a lot of awkward funerals to attend in the near future. How do you give up 51 points to a guy who sounds like he should be your IT guy at work, not someone throwing 5 TDs in a professional football game. This game broke my heart worse than the time that my crush wouldn’t slow dance with me at the 6th grade dance and I cried in the car all the way home.
9. Cheaters Always Prosper – After the loathable Pats where finished punking the Chargers, Jets coach Eric Mangini held a press conference accusing the Patriots coach, Bill “The Bull” Belichick of cheating yet again. In a prepared statement, Mangini said, “I saw Bill hiding extra hundreds under the board while playing Monopoly with his niece, Sarah. Whenever she would pour herself some more invisible tea, that bastard would stick a couple extra hundo’s under his side of the board”. NFL commish Roger “The Dodger” Goodell declined to comment until the league had finished its investigation. Mangini later added, “Marvin Gardens was totally mine, and that f*cker stole it right out from under me!”. Sarah could not be reached for comment.
8. Favre Passes Elway - With the Packers win over the Giants on Sunday, Brett Favre passed Jon Elway to become the winningest QB in NFL history. John Madden, and white people everywhere, rejoice.
7. Jason Elam: Professional Kicker – For the second week in a row the Broncos won a game on the golden leg of their kicker. Just minutes after Seabass Janikowski had shanked his second attempt at a game winner off the top of the upright, Elam’s Broncos drove down to Oakland territory, and then handed the game to “The Jon Elway of Kicking” as he likes to be called. When asked about the two kicks after the game, Elam started rambling on with sports cliches when a little red man with horns appeared next to him rubbing his hands and saying, “I’m here to take your soul!”. Turns out it was just coach Shanahan.
6. Jet Grounded - Chad Pennington was held out of action on Sunday, not because of an ankle injury, as reported by most news outlets. Pyle of List has learned that Chad was actually suspended for one game for stabbing Steve McNair during the week. When asked about it, Pennington responded, “That dirty PR had it coming. When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet for life!” and then he danced away while snapping in time.
5. The Ain’ts Go Marching In - And come out with their tail between their legs. How about this for how far this pre-season Super Bowl favorite has fallen: it took them into the third quarter of the second week for them to score their first offensive TD. That’s longer than it took the Kansas City Chiefs to put seven points on the ‘ol scoreboard. Has the magic really left this team that fast? Yes, yes it has.
4. Fight, Fight, Fight! – On Sunday, a Lion vs. a Viking proved to be far more entertaining that the Lions vs. the Vikings. As a pre-game promotion, local sandwich shop owner Leo Pallesoli flew in an actual lion to fight a large Nordic man. A gambling circle quickly formed, and the fans were entertained for minutes. Justin Abarca, a local man, said “that was the best thing I’ve seen in a long time! Just non-stop action from start to finish.” When asked about the game Mr. Abarca said, “Pssh, I was so revved up from winning money off that lion, that I skipped the game altogether.” Pallesoli, the store owner, said that this promotion garnered much more interested than his ‘two-for-one’s he usually passes out, and that he would think about doing a similar promotion at the Lions next home game, September 30th when Chicago comes to town.
3. Cadinals Improve to 1-1, Leinart Goes 2-0 - Matt Hasselbeck’s anger after the Seahawks loss had little to do with the game itself. Even though the favored Seattle team had just dropped a game to division rival Arizona, Hasselbeck seemed to not care about the final score. “You want to know why I’m upset?!” Hasselbeck yelled to reporters, “It’s because that stubble faced little bastard slept with my wife!” Sources later confirmed that for the second week in a row, Matt Leinart slept with the opposing QB’s wife. In a post game press conference, Leinart spoke briefly about the streak: “Look, I don’t want to talk too much about it. I mean, our team went out there and showed people that we mean business this year, and can’t be taken for granted. Oh, and I totally balled Hassenpatt’s wife. He should get her checked out”.
2. Harrington Sizzles - After another lackluster performance, Joey Harrington seemed surprisingly upbeat. When asked about his chipper attitude, Harrington responded only with, “My book deal finally went through!” and skipped into the showers. Research later revealed that Harrington has been trying for years to get his cookbook Lions, Tigers, and Bearclaws, Oh My! published. His editor, and roomate, Lance Dawson describes the book as “the perfect dessert cook book. Everything in it is super sweet, just like Joey”.
1. Playoffs Shmayoffs - Just to show that one year in the NFL has no correlation to the next, only 3 teams (New England, Indy, and Dallas) of the 12 that made playoffs last year have started this season 2-0. On the other hand, 5 (both New York teams, Kansas City, Philly, and New Orleans) are 0-2. What does this mean? Don’t bet on games early in the season, unless you don’t mind losing that money.