You all may not remember my Tuberville press conference transcript from last week, since it wasn’t exactly what I would call popular (it made me laugh, which is what’s really important). But my good friend and college football guru, Kuhndog read it and called me out for inaccurate colloquialisms and overall inability to write dialogue for Southerners. I agree with him completely, as Foghorn Leghorn, Rush Probst and Richard Davis (from The Real Estate Pros) are my only frames of reference. Since he actually hails from the South, I asked him to give me a better representation of the folks south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
Check out his version: http://kuhndog.livejournal.com/3649.html?mode=reply.
He even adds in the Mississippi State press conference for good measure.
Editor’s Note: Not only is Kuhndog a true Southern Gentleman living in LA, he is a personal favorite and someone that you should be reading.
For those that want a side by side analysis look no further (JP’s responses are in italics):
USA Today Reporter 1: “What were your thoughts on the game?”
JP’s TT: “Just another tough conference game. This is what I’m talkin’ about year-in and year-out. The SEC is so danged tough, it’s almost impossible to go undefeated in conference. That’s why our undefeated season in 2004 is single greatest accomplishment ever achieved by man in any dimension. ”
KD’s TT: “Well, it’s the same ole’ story. You hate to lose these ‘uns, you really do, but the SEC is so darn tough it’s gonna happen. You can’t run through the briar bush without getting a few scratches. Our undefeated season back in ’04 is like bagging a prize buck on the last day a hunting season. Ain’t gonna happen much.”
USA Today Reporter: “Um…Coach. The University of South Florida isn’t in the SEC.”
JP’s TT: “That’s just ESPN-funded mumbo-jumbo. They’re always trying to keep the SEC down by doing things like proclaimin’ South Florida ain’t part of the Conference. It’s that East Coast, New York City bias. 2004 all over again. And if USF wasn’t part of the conference, the game shouldn’t count against us anyway. The only games that should count for the BCS are games played against SEC competition. Everything else is a step or two below, at least. USC, 1-0 last year, Ohio State 0-1. F**king amateurs out there in other conferences. I mean throwin’ the ball around there like it’s a game of hot potato or somethin’. That’s not footbawl. That’s a game that lil’ kids and girls play with Mommy when they wet their britches. Hell, we could do that every week and score 130. Ol’ Brandon can really fire the f**kin pigskin. But where’s the difficulty in that, I ask? (Seething with rage) All I’m really sayin’ is, we got all this technology with TV, TiVo and Oprah. But can’t nobody build me a time-travelin’ contraption that can take me back to 2004! Bull-S**t! C’mon Vandy. The only reason ya’ll are even in the SEC is to keep the grad rates up, arrest rates low and build me a Gall-Darned Time Machine!!!”
KD’s TT: “The hell you say! They got the word “south” right there in the damn name! I seen an assistant on their sideline eating a Moon Pie like a son-of-a-bitch!”
USA Today Reporter: “Well, that may be true, but USF is in the Big East conference.”
KD’s TT: “Big East?! My schoolin’ didn’t teach me much, but I sure as hell know which a way east is. It’s that a way! And Florida’s down there. South! You ever been to Florida? Other un Miami and Orlando, everyone down there’s a bunch of backwoods hicks worseun we got here in Alabama. I ain’t trying to talk foul of um, but in some places down there, if I hear a banjo tuning up, my rear gets tighter than a raccoon’s grip on a shiny new quarter!”
At this point, all of the reporters leave the room. Tuberville continues to speak to no one in particular.
KD’s TT: “Saying they ain’t in the SEC, that’s just a bunch of ESPNNBC-nonsense. Just looking for whatever old excuse they can think of to put us down, just like they did back in 2004 when we coulda whooped the ass a Paul Bunyan hisself. I ain’t asking for much. Just some respect. That, and a championship trophy, with my name on it, written in diamonds. Lordy, lordy, bless my soul.”