Each Thursday, I will take a look at each playoff series, and update everyone on how they should play out. Why Thursdays? Why not!
Location: Philadelphia
Series: Rockies v. Phllies
Series Score: Rox up 2-0
Thoughts: These Rockies just keep on rolling. Get it?! Rock(ies) and roll?! God I’m clever…but in all seriousness, the boys from Colorado haven’t lost in a really long time, and the Phillies are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Normally, the Phils would be the team with the momentum, having caught the Mets in the final month while erasing the biggest deficit in that time. But no one was as hot coming into this as the Rockies. Let by MVP Candidate Matt Holiday, the young guns from the mountains are taking it to another MVP candidate, Jimmy Rollins and his bunch of sluggers. I, personally, didn’t think that the Colorado pitching would hold up against such a potent line-up, but then I remembered that Philly’s arms aren’t any better (as demonstrated by the 10-5 game 2 loss that just ended minutes ago). Now the Phillies need some sort of miracle after dropping the first two at home.
Phillies’ Prayers: Dear heavenly father, please let our pitchers be able to get someone, anyone, out. We’re swinging as hard as we can, and we’ve worked so hard just to get here, don’t send our fans home already. Their hopes aren’t nearly high enough to be dashed upon the rocks like a lost sailor yet. Oh, and thanks for Cole Hamels, but could you make some of these things come true? Amen.
Rockies Prayers: If you continue to let us win, we will continue to sacrifice young virgins in your name. Hell, I mean Heaven, we’ll do anything to keep this up! You want some of us to kill our sons like Abraham? Just say the word. Amen.
Location: Arizona
Series: Diamondbacks v. Cubs
Series Score: D-Backs up 1-0
Thoughts: Neither of these teams should be here, but for very different reasons. The Diamondbacks are a very young club, and weren’t supposed to be competing at this level for a couple of years, but they’ve surprised everybody by hanging tough and winning a very tough division. The Cubs, on the other hand, don’t belong here because they are not very good. The Padres, Mets, and maybe even the Dodgers belong here more than the boys from the north side. I think me and eight friends could win their joke of a division. But then again, nobody gave the Cardinals a fighting chance last year, and look what happened: they bunted their way to a World Series ring.
Chicago Prayers: Oh, sweet holy one on high, how about gracing our stud players to actually play like stud players? I mean, I know you give your followers trials and tribulations to overcome to prove their worth, but this is getting a bit much. I mean Soriano, Lee, and Ramirez were a combined 1-for-13. That seems to be a bit much. In your name we pray, amen. Oh, and tell Lucifer that Stever Bartman says ‘hi’.
Arizona Prayers: Hey, JC, what’s the haps? Just got home from the game and we’re super jazzed that you had us win today. We’d just like to say thanks. I mean, it’s just nice to be invited here. I’d pray more, but me and Stephen Drew need to study for our Pre-Calc test tomorrow. Mr. Gordon is such a nerd! Peace!
Location: 7th Circle of Hell…better known as Boston
Series: Angels v. Red Sox
Series Score: Red Sox up 1-0.
Thoughts: Aw crap. Beckett looked freakin’ untouchable last night. The Angels need to go back to the drawing board, because four hits in a game are not going to cut it. The injury to Gary Mathews Jr. is a tough blow, but unless the body part he hurt was John Lackey’s arm, then there are no excuses. Lackey got lit up like a Christmas tree in Game 1. Here’s hoping for something to happen to make this actually a series, and not just a BoSox runaway.
Angels’ Prayers: Dear God, it’s us, the Angels. We’ve been talking and we’re all a little confused. You see, we’re named after your closest followers, and yet we seem to be the team getting our asses handed to us. Doesn’t that seem weird to you to? Now, we’ll just assume that you couldn’t tell which team was which, since our uniforms are pretty similar, but you really need to shape up God. I mean, at least send us Christopher Lloyd and Tony Danza to work their magic. Thanks in advance, amen.
Red Sox’s Prayers: Hey God, eff you! That’s right, I know you can see us, so stare at this big middle finger! We’ve already sold our souls to Satan, and he has given us plenty of demons with which to torture your “chosen” team. David Ortiz is clearly the king of the demons. You can try to stop us, but Josh Beckett’s arm has been touched by the blackest of magic, and as long as Phil Simmons continues to sacrifice animals to us in his weekly Pagan rituals, then we will continue to ride through this league on our skeleton horses, claiming the souls of all who get in our way. Heeyaw! Ride on skeleton horses, ride on!
Location: Cleveland
Series: Indians v. Yankees
Series Score: 0-0 (Game 1 currently in progress, Indians leading 3-1, top of the 4th inning)
Thoughts: Cleveland has the superior pitching, and New York has the superior line-up. So let’s answer that age old question, which wins in the postseason: pitching or hitting? So far it’s pitching. All I really want out of this series is for A-Rod to hit well, so everyone will shut the eff up about him being a choker. He’s the best hitter in baseball, get off his back! So far he’s 0-for-1 with a walk. Kenny Lofton currently has 2 of the 3 Cleveland RBI’s, and no, it’s not 1996. That right there should show you that this will be a crazy, unpredictable series. Slogan or tag line indeed…
Cleveland Prayers: Oh holiest of holies, throw us a freakin’ bone here! They have a player who makes so much money that he wouldn’t even bother to wipe his ass with our team’s entire payroll. How about a little David and Goliath action, huh? Tell you what, if you let us win, we’ll tell C.C. to stop offering up his chicken bones to Jobu when he’s done eating them. Oh, and I don’t know what Travis Hafner did to get in your dog house, but I’m sure he’s really sorry. Aaaaaaaaamen!
New York Prayers: ‘Ey der God, it’s us again. If you push us to a uh victory, let’s just say that my boss, mista Steinbrenna, will be very pleased. And when mista Steinbrenna, is please, well, let’s just say dat good tings ‘appen, capiche? Like a cool 20 mil comin’ yo way. All I’m sayin’ is think about it…amen.
Is it the playoffs already? Shit, I was too busy not giving a shit. Uh, I grant the series be bestowed upon the…the…WTF? Who let the Diamondbacks in? Fuck it, the series will retroactively go to the 1919 Chicago White Sox.