I bought a Joseph Addai jersey at a Marshall’s in The Mall of America this weekend. It is a youth extra large and fits perfectly. My adult medium might as well have a dive board with the way I swim in it. What does this all mean? Absolutely nothing. But I feel like I should give you something before I get to The Top 10 Things That Happened in the NFL week 7. And it could be worse, I could be Peter King and telling you what books to read… 10. Indy, Pats Stay Perfect - Here we go, seven games into the season and everyone is talking about how the Pats won’t lose a game. Notice how no one is saying the same for the Colts. Why? Because the Patriots are a bunch of overdeveloped kindergarteners who are stealing your Handy Snack just because they’re bigger than you, and everyone needs to act like they are cool so the boys from New England won’t turn around and step on their Capri Sun, squirting it all over their new dinosaur shirt. God I hated that kid…er, those guys. Let’s take a quick look at the teams the Patriots have beaten so far: Jets (1-6), Chargers (3-3), Buffalo (2-4), Cincinnati (2-4), Cleveland (3-3), Dallas (6-1), and Miami (0-7). That’s a combined record of 17-28 (.378) and only one team over .500. Let’s not crown them yet.
9. Peyton Corrects Confusion - Peyton Manning, despite his team being on bye this week, made headlines. He corrected a quoted that SI’s Peter King put in his Monday Morning Quarterback column. His statement read: “Mr. King reported my quote incorrectly. Yes, I do watch every game when we have a bye and chart the throws of every quarterback. But then I said I raTe all of their performances. Rate. Thank you.”
8. Bironas Kicks His Way Into The Hearts of America - Tennessee Titans kicker Rod Bironas set an NFL mark by making 8 field goals in his game against the Texans on Sunday. Good for him, but I’m still sure of one thing: nobody likes the kicker. Although maybe after setting a record the “real players” allowed Rod to atleast sit in the same restaurant as them. Just way on the other side.
7. Dolphins Can’t Catch A Break - With all the talk of 0-16 swirling these days, you would think that things couldn’t get much worse for the Dolphins. Well, you would be wrong. Ronnie Brown left Sunday’s game after a Patriot (I’m sure in a cheap and asshole-like way) hit his knees on an interception return. Now word is he’ll be gone for the entire season. That flight to England just got a little bit longer. I hope they don’t show Unbreakable.
6. McGahee vs. Applebee’s - After ripping the city of Buffalo for the like of nightlife, sighting Applebee’s as the highlight of the town, running back Willis McGahee had to order himself a slice of humble pie. That’s due to the fact that his new team (the Ravens) got upset by his old team (the Bills) for just their second win of the season. The Ravens had a chance to sneak up on some people this year, what with all the AFC focus on Indy, New England, and San Diego, but apparently their old creaky knees just made too much noise, and now they’re just middle of the road. At best.
5. Kitna Has Advice For Garcia - Jon Kitna and Jeff Garcia had an unusually long post-game hug on Sunday, after Kitna’s Lions beat Garcia’s Bucs. Word on the street is that Garcia complimented Kitna on his ability to wear pastels, and Kitna spent a few minutes trying to get Garcia to “pray the gay away”. No word on where “the gay” is now.
4. NFC East Must Be Butter - ‘Cuz they’re on a roll! Oh man I’m so funny. But seriously, three of the four teams in this division have really been jelling lately, with the only exception being the Eagles, who came from out of no where at the end of last season to eventually make the playoffs. This might be the first time that a team, like the Washington Redskins, wishes they were in an AFC division. And I’m of course talking about the muddling abysmal AFC West.
3. Jags Angry, Then ‘Meh’ - After David Garrard went down in the Jaguars loss to the Colts on Monday night, many team officials could be heard swearing the idea of trading away Byron Leftwich. Words such as “preposterous”, “unbelievable”, and “harumph” could be heard being thrown around the Jacksonville facilities. Then everyone took a moment, remembered Leftwich is an immobile statue in the pocket, and was hurt just the day before, and continued on with their day.
2. Rams One Step Closer – Despite getting Marc Bulger back on Sunday, the Rams still can’t manage to look like a real life professional football team. Do I think they will go 0-16? No. There are still some very win-able games on their schedule (I’m looking at you San Fran, Cleveland, Atlanta, and Cincy) and all it takes is one game of those weapons clicking together for them to surprise somebody. Think they can trade their top 10 pick for a new O-line?
1. Big Ben Fails - Want to know why Big Ben looked so out of sorts at Denver this past week? It’s because on the flight from Pittsburgh to Colorado, the airline showed Napoleon Dynamite, and because Benny can be so impressionable, he spent the entire game trying to throw a football “over those mountains”. The Steeler’s locker room was very tense after the game. Hines Ward told the press, “Man, they got to stop showing those funny movies! Old goofy-headed Ben sees those things and then just quotes them through the whole game. Every time he called my name in the huddle, he said something about my ‘nunchuck skills’ or something about having ‘afinity’ time. God he’s lame.” When asked about it, Roethlisburger could only muster a “Yeah, I’m so money! YOU’RE MY BOY, BLUE!”