After reflecting on the modern era of the sports media, it has come to my attention that the transgressions of those we trust to deliver insider knowledge and expert opinions have gone largely unpunished. There is no accountability among “journalists” or “analysts” to the people they are designed to serve, the sports-crazed masses. As a new generation of fans are being indoctrinated into the world of sports, things have become worse than we could’ve ever imagined. The quantity of information has increased exponentially, while the quality has declined at a corresponding rate. We’re more than a decade into the Boo-yah era of sports. We’ve been placed on a bullet train ride to an unknown land with a plethora of smarmy jokes, forced pop culture references and sophomoric antics to “entertain” us along the way and greet us upon our arrival. It must stop now!
Much like vampires, these ass clowns can only be stopped if you eliminate the originator of the curse. We must find the one that started at all. After careful examination, there is only one conclusion: Chris Berman must be defeated! As a child I was diluded into believing his schtick was humorous, like many people. Now I realize the error of my ways and the far-reaching effects of his obnoxious bufoonery. Don’t let your children be allowed to make the same mistake.
For these reasons, I’m spearheading a campaign to rid the world of Berman and all of the absurdity attached to him. With your help, I’ll be able to put Berman on trial at the Hague for crimes against humanity. At the very least, crimes against sports broadcasting. His reign of terror must be overturned. And that is where you, the people, come into the equation.
To ensure conviction and harshest punishment possible under international law (sanctions?), I’ll need personal testimony to corroborate my account. I need people to stand up and bear witness to the atrocities being committed. So, in the comment section please share the nicknames (the focus of my case) he has bestowed upon athletes that have caused you the most suffering. Each one will serve as a shiny beacon of resistance and provide healing from the torment for you and your brothers and sisters around the world subjected to this cruelty. It will be difficult, but as we unite and stand together as an oppressed people… WE SHALL OVERCOME!
I’ll get us started:
Rob “My” Bironas
Natrone Means “Business”
Chris “Cab” Calloway (hi-de-hidy-hidy-hi)
Andre “Bad Moon” Rison
All of them, including those at the linked site.
http://www.funny2.com/berman.htm
I actually took a shot at him in the Chicago Sports Weekly months back. I wrote something along the lines of.
“Bert ‘be home’ Blyleven? What does that even mean? Bert has a curfew? He can’t be out after dark?”
Marc Bulger, who doesn’t get a nickname as much as he gets a bellowing, off-key melody that doesn’t sound entirely unlike a rhino’s mating call.
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/10/little-viewer-mail.html
Thank you, Jon, for bringing this up. Berman’s childish antics appeal to the people who reside under the lowest common denominator of intelligence and class. His ‘whoops’ and ‘whaps’ belong in a cartoon, not a sports show. Even he must sorely regret the day he began sliding down the slippery slope of silliness that has now become his trademark and the only reason TV execs have kept him on air.
I will testify at the trial in The Hague and describe how Berman has ruined my pre-game, post game and even halftime shows, as I can’t bear to watch any of these buffoons for long anymore. How embarrassed are we all watching grown, strong men like Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and Jimmie Johnson be forced to act like kindergarten kids because of the lowbrow ‘comedy’ Berman has fostered?
Curtis My Favorite Martin is the one that drove me insane and I have yet to recover.
I’ve never been able to get Joe “Little Big” Horn out of my repertoire no matter how hard I try.
Joseph “Do or” Addai
Mike “After Dinner” Minter always annoyed the hell out of me.
“Well Dressed” Amani Toomer… annoying but catchy
In all fairness, the guy’s been suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia for the better part of two decades.
Ah yes. I hate when he calls the segment he does “The Blintz” instead of the Blitz, too. It’s like he did it by accident once and thinks it’s funny to repeat.
Chris Berman rocks!!! (that’s right, I said it)
Oh come on. WINNIE THE PUJOLS is hilarious!
I think Chris Berman’s intelligence actually is presumptuous at best! I think that he is insulting to all the listeners that listen to him by coming up with the phony nicknames, Hypocritical monikers, and the moronic sounds that he actually in fact makes. It is almost like Bozo the clown insinuating that he knows what is best for us to hear. I personally would rather listen to Claribel the clown in the honking of his horn, or the same with Harpo Marx. Too bad one of the beer manufacturers and/or the Hooters like restaurants cannot come up with a national vote to find out how pathetic this TV broadcaster, sports narrator, sports analyst, whatever you would like to call him is!
Cmon now.. hes just foolin around. ESPN wouldnt have hired him for 30 yrs if he wasnt somewhat respectable. Doesnt mean hes dumb.
Eric “Sleeping With” Bienemy