A day later than normal, but definitely not a buck short. In personal news, I bested my girlfriend in a head to head fantasy football matchup this week, and she still thinks she’s better than me. Worst part is, she may be right. Now on to The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL Week 8.
10. Terrible Two – Only two unbeaten teams remain, and wouldn’t you just know it, they’re going head to head this weekend. ESPN has officially messed it’s pants (but I won’t tell you which side). All I’m going to do is point out the opponents records yet again: Pats – 24-34 (.414) Indy – 27-24 (.529).
9. Young Rides Carpet To ‘W’ – Ever wonder how Vince Young just manages to win games despite being a terrible QB? Well wonder no more! The sleuths here at Pyle of List slowed down game tape from this past week’s Tennessee Titans victory, and found something astonishing: Vince is actually standing on a magical flying carpet. This allows him to subvert the laws of physics and pull out games that his team has no business winning. It also explains the middle eastern princess he has been seen with lately.
8. Terrible Two II – Just like Indy and New England can’t seem to lose, those poor poor Rams and Dolphins can’t seem to win. Miami lost in The Game Across The Pond to a quarterback that put up less than 100 passing yards, and the Rams let a 14-0 lead slip away to some random white guy (yeah, you try figuring out who’s who). Which of these teams is my pick to lose all 16 games? The Dolphins. I feel that between Bulger, Jackson, Holt, and a little magic the Rams have one win in them. Miami however, is playing like they wore a swimsuit to a pool party, only to find out it was a billiards shindig. Oh how awkward!
7. Fight Promotion Ends Poorly - Remember this news tidbit (#4)? Well, sandwich shop owner Leo Pallesoli’s marketing plan did not work out so well this time around. Pallesoli flew in both a lion and bear to do battle for the fans at soldier field this past weekend, but it ended in a bloodbath. Onlookers say that about a minute into the fight, the lion and bear stopped ripping at each other, and seemed to be communicating in some sort of animal language. They then joined forces and mauled everyone in the parking lot. That’s right, mankind’s worst fear has been realized: the unstoppable duo of a lion and a bear is now loose. Be afraid, America, be very afraid.
6. Giants Win Match - In the first regular season game played outside of North America, the New York Giants continued to roll. Behind a career day for Brandon Jacobs, the G Men won their 6th game in a row, setting a showdown with the Dallas Cowboys for first place in their division. In other news, Englanders couldn’t decide what was more retarded; the Miami Dolphins’ offense, or Elisha Manning.
5. Brady Reacts Poorly to Prank - The football world is a buzz this week, with everyone bitching about the Patriots running up the score on the Washington Redskins. Well, I sat down with Tommy Brady at our weekly lunching, and asked him about it. He told me he was just mad over a prank that some had pulled on him before the game. Apparently, someone had melted down some tootsie rolls and put them in Tommy’s helmet, trying to get him to think it was poo. But Tommy became furious regardless of what the mass actually was because “no one f*cks with my hair!” and proceeded to thrash the locker room. When he looked around for the culprit, veteran linebacker Junior Seau said that one of the Redskins must have done it. Tommy’s eyes narrowed and he didn’t say another word until the ‘Skins were thoroughly embarrassed. Kicker Steven Gostkowski later owned up to the prank, and they all had a good laugh.
4. My Team Blows - The Bengals are my team. And they suck. They are currently sitting at 2-5 and have no hopes of going to the playoffs. Their defense couldn’t stop a middle school flag football team, and everyone is making fun of them for being true gangstas. You know what being a Bengals fan is like right now? It’s like having a really hot girlfriend, who just cheats on you with all your best friends. Yeah, she’s great to look it, but she is just going to break your heart again and again.
3. Raiders Cut Williams - Al Davis, long time owner of the Oakland Raiders, has a special way of letting players know their services will no longer be needed, as WR Mike Williams learned Sunday. After dropping a crucial 4th down pass, Williams was in the shower when Davis crept up behind him, covered his mouth with his hand, and whispered “you’re cut!” into Williams’ ear. He then stabbed him underneath his rib cage and left him lying in a pool of blood. No word on whether or not Warren Sapp ate the body.
2. Favre Does It Again! – Those of you that watched the Monday Night Football game this week got to witness yet another magical Brett Favre moment. And no, I’m not talking about his wife talking about breast during the game. I’m talking about the heave to Greg Jennings on the first play in overtime to win the game. 82 yards. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I love to make fun of Brett, but that was such a pretty throw that even I had to stand up and applaud. Looks like the old man still has some arm left in him.
1. Leinart Loves Halloween - Even though his season is over after suffering a broken collarbone, Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart is not just sitting around. Matt has been working diligently to keep in shape for next sport f*ucking season. And this coming up week will be his biggest challenge. “During the season, I don’t have time to really enjoy Halloween,” Leinart said, “what with all the practices and video sessions, I only have time to bang 5 or 6 ladies. A day. But now that I don’t have to worry about that.” Leinart plans to set a new single day sport f*cking record by bedding 1 slutty teacher, 3 slutty french maids, 2 slutty nurses, 6 slutty animals of various kinds, a Wonder Woman, and countless slutty sluts (girls who just dress like whores on Halloween).