This past Saturday I spent a few minutes talking to my friend Leo (originally from Moscow) about some of the differences between the pre-kickoff festivities for a soccer match and a football game. He clearly prefers football, even though he finds the game itself excruciatingly boring, simply for the social aspect of the pre-game tailgate. For soccer, there is no such thing. Most people use public transportation, parking is sub-par and social interactions involve swearing, headbutts and policeman in riot gear.
Matt and Kevin are OK, so don’t worry.
While I was glad he found the American tailgate superior to the pre-match pub run, it got me thinking about what aspects of soccer culture that Americans could adopt to improve the atmosphere of any sporting event. My solution: chants and songs. For those unfamiliar with soccer traditions, fans sing and chant a variety of things throughout any given match. In fact, most supporters know dozens of tunes that they’re prepared to sing at a moment’s notice. The content encapsulates a variety of attitudes and feelings for the fans: celebratory, irreverent, playful, inflammatory or downright vicious. (Sample some of the best [and cleanest] from Part 1 of Who Ate All the Pies’ Top 50 football chants). Also, check out the most famous football song in Europe: “You’ll Never Walk Alone” by the Liverpool faithful.
To get this idea off the ground, I’ve started to put together some ideas that are sure to be heard at ballparks, stadiums and arenas around the nation if this idea takes off. At the very least, I hope it’ll inspire some creativity from other fans out there.
“Giants, New York Giants” [to the tune of "I Feel Pretty"]
He is Shockey
Jer’my Shockey
He is flailing and dropping the pass
And keep taunting
on ev’ry 1st down, jackass!
La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
You can pretty much fill in any Giants player or coach, but I’ll give you one more.
Call him Manning
Eli Manning
Is he open? Who cares, just throw!
Change your last name
And you’re probably shoveling snow.
La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
But they all don’t have to be negative. You can also adjust them to be positive, Giants fans out there. This one is going out to Florida fans.
”Tebow iz good at da foozball” [to the tune of "Sugar, Sugar]
Timmy (duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh)
Awwwww, Tebow, Tebow
You are the Quarterback
cuz you run and throw it good
For the most part a positive one, with a slight dig at the intellect of Gator fans.
Sometimes simplicity is the key.
“Charlie Weis’ 4th Chin-phony” [to the tune of "Hi-Ho The Dairy-o", if that's even what the song is called.]
You have a frontal ass,
You have a frontal ass,
Even with the surgery you have a frontal ass!
(Repeat often)
All fans traveling to South Bend should work on this one.
Here’s a good one for Laker fans.
“Kobe, Kobe, Kobe” [to the tune of "Just Like Heaven"]
Kobe, Kobe, Kobe,
Have you changed your mind?
Do ya wanna stay or go this time?
I wrote about 6-7 different versions of the next few lines, but I found the song structure very challenging. So, talented musician and Pyle of List favorite DLamp did it up right:
Kobe kobe kobe
Why are you leaving?
“Cuz Andrew Bynum sucks” you said
“I’ve gotta get out for my own sake,
and you’ll miss me like a fat kid misses cake”.
This one was far too easy. SEC fans may really dig this one.
“Smelley ‘Cock” [to the tune of Smelly Cat]
Smelley ‘Cock, Smelley ‘Cock
Why are you throwing there?
Smelly ‘Cock, Smelly ‘Cock
The Ballcoach is pissed!
Probably best suited for a post-interception serenade.
Some more good stuff from DLamp, this time with a baseball flavor.
“Play Like Cal Ripken” [to the tune of Walk Like an Egyptian]
All the old men sitting in the park
they don’t like the players of today
the game moves to quick (oh whey oh)
it’s not like the good old daysthe players make too much cash
and don’t play the game “the right way”
Joe Morgan says (oh whey oh)
there are no iron men todayOld white east coast types say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Play like Cal Ripken
Remember when I mentioned simplicity is key? So is getting to the point. This one is also versatile and damn-near universal, despite it’s dated-ness.
“An Ode to Criminal Activity” [to the tune of "How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria?"]
How do you crash a party like Chmura?
And what does statutory even mean?
How do you sex a minor like Chmura?
A child enticer! A peder-ass! He’s free!
(Feel free to sub Dear Ruben for Chmura and change the first line to How do you stop a Nanny like Dear Ruben?)
How can pay your players like the Trojans?
How could Reggie’s folks afford that house?
How do the boosters compensate the Trojans?
Pete Carroll’s gone if punishment’s announced!
We’d be remiss not to honor everyone’s favorite SEC coach
“Balls Like Miles” (to the tune of “500 Miles” by the Proclaimers)
I wish I had balls like Miles
Then I could barely get through doors
Oh, to be a man with stones like Mr. Miles
Victories like the Moors
Dah, dah dahta!
Now here’s the real coup: actual audio of JP singing!!
You sound like Buffalo Bill. I kept waiting for you to say, “It puts the lotion on the skin.” Nice work, you freak.
Liston
Thank you Liston. I never really thought about it before, but I can hear the similarities. And I prefer to say “It puts the lotion in the basket”.
Absolutely amazing that we could come up with articles that whilst sharing an over-riding theme, are very different.
I am in awe of your creativity tho’!