I’ll try my best to remember what happened this past Sunday. If things look a little blurry, it’s because I was in a rum fueled haze while screaming at Peyton Manning to “stop sh*tting the bed, you dolphin headed mother f*cker!”. But let’s take a peak at The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL week 9.
10. Despite Screams, Peyton Sh*ts Bed - That’s right, a last minute fumble that *of course* went right into a Patriot’s hands sealed the deal, and put the Pats on a collision course with destiny. God I hate those bastards. Hate them all! Especially that smug little twerp Tom Brady, what with his good looks, athletic prowess, high intelligence, and super model bangings. If you’re as tired as I am of this guy, head on over to Kissing Suzy Kolber and pitch in! Now there is only one game on New England’s schedule that looks like it might cause them to break a sweat: Week 14 against Pittsburgh.
9. NFL Cancels Atlanta/San Francisco Game - In a surprise move, NFL comish Roger Goodell decided to cancel the Atlanta Falcons v. San Francisco 49ers game this past week. “It’s just not worth it,” Goodell said during a telephone call with Pyle of List, “I mean, no one really cares except the poor saps with some of these guys on their fantasy teams. So we just threw up some fake stats, and told the boys to take an extra week off. It’s not like we had to refund any tickets because no one wanted to attend that crap of a game anyway.” Warrick Dunn fans everywhere now understand the reason behind his abnormally high stats.
8. TO Clips Eagles’ Wings – In his second trip to the city that he once called home, Terrell Owens really stuck it to his old team. Owens caught 10 balls for 174 yards, and one TD. Say what you want about the guy, but he is one hell of a football player. In fact, I’m not sure why we even give a crap what he does off the field, we’re not his damn momma (apologies to Mrs. Owens if she is in fact reading this) and those rude Eagles fans deserved a little smack in the face every now and again.
7. Purple Jesus Breaks Rushing Record, Cures Cancer - Adrian Peterson did not want to talk about his record setting day on the football field. Instead, he wanted to let everyone in the media know that he had spent halftime coming up with a cure for cancer. Yet Peterson remained modest: “Neither of these instances are a big deal, alright? I plan on breaking that rushing record again next week, and again the next week after that. And as far as the cure goes, I don’t know, I’m a bit disappointed in myself. I mean, it’s only skin cancer. I hope to, by the time the Pro Bowl rolls around, have a cure for all kinds of sh*t.” No one doubts he can do either at this point.
6. Priest May Get Touches That Don’t Involve Little Boys – Okay, so maybe this isn’t the biggest news in the world, but how could I turn down that headline? Larry Johnson suffered an ankle injury late in the Chief’s game this past Sunday, and it looks like he’s going to miss a couple of weeks. That paves a clear path for Priest Holmes to be the main ball carrier. Holmes has been away from football for nearly two years, after a series of head and neck injuries, and now has a chance to see if he can return to the glory of days of when he was considered the best back in football.
5. Favre Arrested – Brett Favre was arrested outside of a Kansas City Chili’s late Sunday night, apparently for brandishing firearms. Favre was released on bail, and his lawyers released this statement, “Brett Favre is a gunslinger, plain and simple. Anyone that has known or watched Brett play football, knows one thing and one thing only: Brett loves to sling guns. We’re sorry if he upset anyone with his decision making, but Brett will remain, and forever be a gunslinger.” No word on whether John Madden made a conjugal visit.
4. QBs Continue to Drop Like Fat Girl’s Self Esteem – Add Denver’s Jay Cutler to the ever growing list of QBs that have missed significant time due to injury. Already this year the Cardinals, Panthers, Raiders, Ravens, Bills, Jets, Dolphins, Falcons, 49ers, Jaguars, Vikings, Titans, and Texans have had to go to the back-up do to injury. This string of events just solidifies the quarterback position as the biggest group of pansies in sports (of course discounting soccer, which isn’t a real sport anyways).
3. Pacman Jones To Be Featured In Own Video Game - Acclaim announced over the weekend that they would be rolling out The Newest Adventures of Pacman early in 2008. According to Acclaim’s website, in this game kids can play as Adam “Pacman” Jones as they attempt to “get money, f*ck b*tches, and eat ghosts”.
2. That’s It, I Give Up! – The damn Tennessee Titans won again, and again my mind is blown. Vince Young’s final line: 14 for 23, 110 yards, 2 ints in addition to 8 rushes for 25 yards and 1 td. If this guy is the future of the QB position, then the NFL might as well fold up shop now. I would rather watch Matt Leinart throw passes to his own pubic lice than watch Young butcher the game of football.
1. Leinart Completes Pass To Own Pubic Lice - Huh. Well I’ll be damned…