Ah, week 14. What a magical time of the year. The only people that know what I’m talking about are the fellow fantasy football nerds out there. Week 14 marks the first signs of fantasy playoffs. Some people means this is the first step on the gold paved road to glory. For those less fortunate, like yours truly, it means all your studs that have carried you all year taking a major crap on your season. Yes, I’m looking at you Carson Palmer, Terrell Owens, and Edgerin James. But enough about fake football, on to The Top 10 Things That Happened in actual football in week 14.
10. Pats Stay Perfect – I’m sure every asshole in New England is just pleased as punch with themselves right now. Bunch of bandwagon douche bags. Yeah, I’m sure all of you were sitting in the stadium, touting your beloved Patriots in the 90′s when you guys were “wicked terrible”. I bet you didn’t even know that this used to be your team emblem. But many, including myself, thought this week would be it, the week where an old-ish defense ran into a team that could give them fits that also had a solid D of their own. Not so. The Patriots destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers in a fashion that reminds me of a 45 year-old father with a bad case of the gout trying to beat his collegiate son in a game of one-on-one. “*pant pant* Good game, junior *weeze* where’d you pick up those moves *coughs up lung*”
9. Romo Signs 3 Picture Deal With Paramount - After winning America’s heart by throwing the football so damn well, Tony Romo is taking his smiling game to the big screen. Romo and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson held a press conference after the Cowboys/Lions game to announce that Tony will play the lead role in Paramounts soon to be made remake of Cabin Boy. “I’m really excited to get out there and do something most people don’t get the chance to to”, Romo said, “I mean, I did a little community theatre in high school. I was Alfred P. Doolittle in My Fair Lady. True story!”
8. Thanks For Showing up - I’ve realized that each week there are a handful of teams who show up for a game…and that’s about it. They get steamrolled from the start and never even pretend to make it a contest. This week’s recipients of the “Everyone Gets a Trophy in Little League” award are: San Francisco 49ers, Miami Dolphins, Oakland Raiders, Carolina Panthers, and the Kansas City Chiefs. Thanks for trying, boys, now here’s your free soda and red vines! (Author’s tip: if you bite the ends off both sides of a red vine, it makes an awesome straw!)
7. Redman Ends Petrino - News out of Atlanta is that Bobby Petrino has officially “quit dis bitch!”. But what that press release doesn’t tell you is that it’s due to the surprisingly good play of Chris Redman the past two weeks. According to a Pyle of List source who wants to remain anonymous, when Petrino saw Redman outplay both Joe-Joe Harrington and Byron Left-”over sand”-wich, he just threw up his hands and said, “that’s it! I give up. I’ll never be able to figure this out. Trying to guess who is going to be a good QB is harder than the air bike level of Battletoads.”
6. 4 TD Mania - Here’s a quick look at the QB’s that threw for four scores this past week: Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Matt Hasselbeck, Jay Cutler, and…Trent Edwards? Yep, that’s right, the former Stanford nerd (I’m assuming) threw four ‘six pointers’ against the woeful Dolphins. Just to point out how topsy-turvy the QB position can be, the following QBs threw exactly ZERO TDs: Vince Young, Carson Palmer, Jason Campbell, Rex Grossman, Jon Kitna, Luke McCown, and Vinny Testaverde.
5. Peyton Files Missing Person Report - Indianapolis police have reported that Colts QB Peyton Manning came to them immediately following his victory over the Ravens on Sunday. The Chief of Police said that Peyton was shaking, and had clearly been crying over his missing best friend, Marvin Harrison. Harrison has not been seen on a football field in 7 weeks, and even YahooSports has stopped updating his status. “He said he would be right back, that he was just going to get some cigarettes and ice for his knee, ” Peyton said through tears in his official report, “and now I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again!”
4. Choke Jobs For Everyone - The NFL wasn’t without it’s chokers this weekend. The Tennessee Titans blew a 14 point, 4th quarter lead to the San Diego Chargers and eventually lost in OT (that’s what happens when you don’t have a real quarterback!). The Lions couldn’t put Dallas away, as Jason Hanson’s 4th quarter field goal sailed wide right, and Dallas drove down for the winning score. And David Akers was juuuuust a bit off with his game tying attempt at the end of regulation. I don’t know what’s worse: being one of these teams/guys and being so close to victory only to have it slip through your fingers like that super drunk girl at the bar at 2 a.m. who was totally going to go home with you before her friends pulled her into the taxi, or getting nearly shut out, like most nights at the bar.
3. Falcons Dedicate Game to Vick, Still Lose - Dante Hall spent the last few minutes before kickoff pumping up anyone who would listen on the Falcons’ sideline. His good friend, Mike Vick, had just been sentenced to 23 months in jail earlier in the day, and Hall was trying to use that to light a fire under his teammates. Unfortunately, the rest of the Atlanta Falcons took that to mean ‘play like Mike Vick’ and proceeded to do a couple of cool things, but ultimately lose the game. “I think this is exactly what Mike would have done if he were here with us today,” veteran TE Algae Crumpler said after the game.
2. Playoff Picture - More divisions were clinched this week, which means those teams on the cusp of a wild card spot can really start sweating now. Here is the playoff picture for each division as of right now:
NFC: 1) Dallas Cowboys (clinched division) 2) Green Bay Packers (clinched division) 3) Seattle Seahawks (clinched Division) 4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5) New York Giants 6) Minnesota Vikings
AFC: 1) New England Patriots (clinched division) 2) Indianapolis Colts (clinched playoff spot) 3) Pittsburgh Steelers 4) San Diego Chargers 5) Jacksonville Jaguars 6) Cleveland Browns
1. We Don’t Link Enough - It can’t be said enough what a phenomenal job the men over at Fire Joe Morgan do. Scroll down to the 5th most recent article for a rare at them ripping a football writer (they normally just rip on baseball writers).
Great as always, but your Battletoads reference just made me your friend for life.
And after watching that video, I wonder if they really expected any kid to ever beat it.