Ah, Christmas! A time for families to get drunk and fight. Or maybe that’s just my family. Whatever, as long as I’m not taking a Grandad haymaker in the chops, it’s all just fun and games. I hope everyone out there had a Patriots Christmas (all winnings and supermodels) and no one had a Dolphins Christmas (see: Opposite of Patriots Christmas). Now let’s take a look at a day late/buck short edition of The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL week 16. See if you can find the completely made up stories!
10. Rest Vs. Reward - There seems to be all this debate going around as to whether or not teams that have cemented their playoff seed should sit their starters this week. Of course you should sit your starters! What do you have to gain from keeping them in? Boosted stats, less risk of “rust” (the football equivalent to baseball’s “hustle” factor) and that’s about it. What do you stand to lose by playing your stars? I don’t know, just ask the Steelers if they should have sat down Willy Parker. I fully expect the Giants, Colts, Seahawks, and Bucs to rest starters. And they should. They Patiots won’t, but that’s because they’re on a mission to create a season so great, it will be considered an affront to God himself.
9. Anderson Needs Heimlich - Patrons at Mitchell’s Steakhouse in Ohio were witness to a scary scene on Saturday night. Browns QB Derek Anderson was having a nice, romantic dinner with backup Brady Quinn when a piece of Anderson’s filet mignon got lodged in his throat. Luckily Quinn, and expert at this ordeal, was quick to respond and got behind Anderson and quickly expelled the meat from his tonsil area. Patrons clapped as Anderson caught his breath, and once he did he was quick to poke fun at himself saying, “Wow, I hope I don’t choke this bad tomorrow against the Bengals!”. Everyone had a good laugh, and then went back to their dinners.
8. Anderson Chokes – All the Browns had to do was dispell their hapless in-state rival, the Cincinnati Bengals, and the much maligned franchise would have had it’s first playoff berth of the decade. Instead, QB Derek Anderson threw four picks and the Browns now need the Titans to lose in order to make the playoffs. Such a shame. I mean, is there anything worse at this point than being an Ohio sports fan? Cavs make the finals, get steamrolled. Indians make ALCS, blow two game lead. Browns just need to win to make playoffs, can’t do it. And don’t get me started about Ohio state choking up two national titles to Florida in the same calendar year. But I guess that’s what you get for living in Ohio.
7. Sapp Ejected For ‘Stank Ass Breath’ - TV commentators were whipped into a fervor as Raiders DL Warren Sapp was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct three times in a row and then promptly ejected from the game. When we contacted the officials after the game to try and figure out what Sapp had said to get ejected, the officials told us, “He didn’t say nothin’. He was just standin’ there and his breath was so bad that I thought I was going to vomit right there on the fifty yard line. I mean, you know when you leave a glass of milk in the sun, and turns into cottage cheese basically and goes rancid? Well imagine you took that glass of milk and poured inside of a dead body. And the dead body was a homeless guy who had crapped his pants right before dying. And the died of gangreen. That’s what it was like. I asked Warren to close his mouth three times, and when he refused, I just had to throw him out. If there was a penalty greater than fifteen yards I could have given him, I totally would have. His breath stank!”
6. Titans Win…Somehow – Somehow those damn Tennessee Titans have got themselves in a position to make the playoffs. All they have to do is beat a Colts team that will be resting it’s starters, and they’re in. I don’t know how they do it. They shouldn’t even have beaten the Jets this past week. When I look at the Yahoo Box Score, the highlight stat line for the Titans is Chris Brown: 5 rushes, 15 yards, 1 TD. Pathetic. Now look at the line for last season’s rookie of the year (of the year!) Vince “Magic Carpet” Young: 12-for-22, 122 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT. I have no idea how they’re doing this.
5. Dolphins Hire Parcells To Star In Reality Show - The Miami Dolphins went out and got a big name to right the ship of their once storied franchise; and the cameras are going to be rolling! In an effort to boost revenues, the Miami Dolphins and VH1 will be making a reality show out of the rebuilding process. The tentative working title is “Tough Love: Tuna Style!” in which tryouts will take place in a lavish Hollywood mansion, and prospective players earning special one on one time with Bill Parcells in order to win his approval. Each episode will document how each participant is doing, and culminate in a Trophy Ceremony, where Parcells will hand out little trophies with tuna on top to the players he likes best. “Bill tells it like it is!”, said a former Parcells’ player who chose to go nameless but let’s just say his nickname rhymes with ‘gee go’ “and it’s going to make for great TV. To be honest I can’t believe I didn’t think of this first!”
4. Bears Sweep The Leg, Packers - In a veritable tornado at Soldier Field, the Bears handed a loss to the Packers for the second time this season. Normally, that wouldn’t read as such a weird headline, but this year is different. The Pack have only lost three games all year, and the Bears have only won six. That means the Bears have handed the Packers two-thirds of their total losses, while gathering one-third of their total wins against them. They probably wish they could play against Brett Favre every week. Then they might be a good team! Nah…
3. Teams Continue To Suck On Purpose - In an effort to look better next season, the Broncos, Dolphins, Jets, and Ravens have all decided to suck as much as possible the last few games of the season. Citing all the named teams only scoring in the single digits this week, The Commish, Roger Goodell questioned all the head coaches and got a similar answer from each. “They all think that if they tank real bad at the end of the season, then no matter what they do next year, the fans will think it’s an improvement and be happy. It’s not that crazy of an idea, CEOs do it all the time in the business world when they take over a new company. I just hope that us exposing it will make people stand up and take notice. Aw, who am I kidding? No one cares about these teams anyways.”
2. Playoff Picture - Some shakeup in the standins in week 16 has created some actual interest in week 17. Who’d have thunk it? But let’s take a look at the playoffs as they stand right now:
NFC: 1) Dallas Cowboys (clinched division, home field advantage) 2) Green Bay Packers (clinched division, first round bye) 3) Seattle Seahawks (clinched division, #3 seed) 4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (clinched division, #4 seed) 5) New York Giants (clinched berth, #5 seed) 6) Washington Redskins
AFC: 1) New England Patriots (clinched division, home field advantage) 2) Indianapolis Colts (clinched division, first round bye) 3) San Diego Chargers (clinched division) 4) Pittsburgh Steelers (clinched division) 5) Jacksonville Jaguars (clinched berth, #5 seed) 6) Tennessee Titans
1. We Don’t Link Enough - How long until Guitar Hero is a sport?