Ah, it’s that time of year. The time when every fat slob decides they are going to buckle down and really get in shape. They even go out and get themselves a Bally’s membership and some Underarmor to go with their year’s supply of creatine powder from Costco. It’s the time of resolutions. Even professional athletes know they can better themselves, and so we’ll take a look at some of the resolutions made by some of our most beloved sportsmen. Alas, like most resolutions, these too will find themselves on the business end of a tub of cookie dough ice cream by mid March. Metaphorically speaking of course. Enjoy!
“For my New Year’s resolution, I want…”
“…to not be so good at baseball.” – Alex Rodriguez – Never before has the clear best player in his sport been so maligned. A-Rod figures if he hits fewer home runs, and slides head first into first base more, maybe people will love him like they love David Eckstein.
“…to invent a time machine and to back to 2000.” – Shaq – Poor guy. It really is sad to see a giant cry. But the Diesel is just about out of gas, and longs for the days when he was the best in the league and was winning championships with ease.
“…to take over the world.” – David Beckham – Jeez, this guy is everywhere. First he comes to American soccer to more fanfare than Britney Spears taking a pregnancy test in a public restroom, then he’s all over my TV. I even saw him on Snoop Dogg’s new show! That’s when you know you’ve really made it.
“…find new ways to be annoying ass clowns.” – New England Fans – Ugh, I get it, your teams are really good this year. Bunch of bandwagon hipsters. Where were you Patriots fans in the 90′s? Take off that damn pink Red Sox hat! Oh, I’m sure you were a fan years ago. How does that Garnett jersey fit by the way? “Fackin’ awesome!”
“…learn to read.” – Eli Manning – You might think I’m talking about reading defenses, but I’m not. I’m pretty sure Elisha doesn’t know how to read. But people keep telling him the New York papers are giving him a hard time, and this year he’s determined to be able to decipher what they’re saying.
“…to get nails done more often.” – Brady Quinn – What? Brady likes to have his nails nice when he hits the town.
“…to kill everyone!” – Roger Clemens – Great, just what we needed, another pissed off Texan with a gunslinger mentality and something to prove. No one is safe!
“…to stop looking so tired all the time.” – Tracy McGrady – Seriously, why does this guy look like he either a) just woke up or b) just smoked a whole lot of weed. Imagine how good McGrady would be if he opened up his eyes all the way. Besides, his team already has the most famous sleepyhead in NBA history.
“…to win something.” – Ohio sports teams – Just a brutal year. ’08 can’t be any worse, can it?
“… to learn the Heimlich Manuever.” – West Virginia Football: USC, Missouri, and virtually every other Top 10 college football team, including those playing for the title, have a similar resolution.
“… to avoid mocking the US National Anthem at a sporting event ever again.” – British people: One of the most underrated subplots of the year in sports from the Hatton-Mayweather fight. Floyd Mayweather was like a visitor in his own hometown before the anthems. Then the rowdy Brits went too far when they caused a ruckus during The Star Spangled Banner. This galvanized the Americans in attendence, who must’ve still be sore about the War of 1812, and put them firmly in Mayweather’s corner, who promptly beat the bejesus out of Hatton.
“… to never fight random, large black men in someone’s backyard again.” – Kimbo Slice opponents: this video about covers it. Even the guy that “beats” him doesn’t exactly look like a winner (waiting the 10 minutes to see the end is worth your time).
Feel free to add your own in the comments!