Vampires. Ghosts. Wolfmen. Although scary, none of these things truly strike us to the core like the bad people that inhabit the real world. And I’m not talking about some insensitive prick like Puck either. No, I’m talking about the evils of our world that linger on the edge of our thoughts, and scare us more truly than anything else. But what is the scariest of them all? Well, let’s take a look.
Participants (Seeded Alphabetically)
Alcoholism – This one hits pretty close to home for most of, as we’ve all been touched by the pickled liver in one way or another. Whether it’s the binge drinking in college that you never grow out of, or your mother throwing her purse at you because you got a C+ in Algebra 2, alcoholism is real. Real scary. Sports counterpart: Bode Miller
Big Oil – Greed. Corruption. Poor working conditions. All these things run rampant in the business that basically ran this country earlier in the century. To be honest, our milkshakes are the least of our concerns. Sports counterpart: George Steinbrenner
Dick Cheney – Cheney is credited with being the true mastermind behind all the wrong-doings of the current administration. He is drunk on power. And whatever your political allegiance may be, you have to admit that there are some pretty effed up things that have happened in the last 8 years. Sports counterpart: Roger Goodell
Oprah – Remember back when Oprah’s show was just another version of Jerry Springer? Of course you don’t. That’s because Oprah has had the entire world brainwashed in her attempt to take over the world. There is a 50/50 shot that Oprah is the Anti-Christ. Sports counterpart: ESPN
Perez Hilton – Perhaps the most annoying member of the tournament, Perez fills his days making up “hilarious” nicknames for famous couples, using Microsoft paint to take cheap shots at celebrities he can’t stop obsessing over, and generally being a drain on society. Possibly the only more annoying thing than hippies. Sports counterpart: David Beckham
Meth – Ah, hillbilly heroin. What could go wrong with a bunch of rednecks cooking up drugs in their bathtubs? Oh, nothing I can see, except maybe THE DOWNFALL OF CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT! Sports counterpart: Randy Johnson
Drew Rosenhaus – All agents are evil, and Drew is their overlord. Sneaky, conniving, greedy, and slimy, Rosenhaus symbolizes everything that is wrong with sports these days. Sports counterpart: Uh, Drew Rosenhaus…?
OJ Simpson – What’s worse than a double murder that you got away with on a technicality? How about trying to write a book about “what if” you had done it. Jeez, you really can’t catch The Juice, can you? Sports counterpart: Jamal Lewis
Round 1 – Fight!
v. 
DLamp: Alcoholism – No one is safe from alcoholism. Everyone who isn’t a white woman, the man she’s sleeping with, or a memorabilia thief is safe from OJ. Besides, he made us laugh so much in those Naked Gun movies, the guy can’t be all bad.
Lunchbox: Alcoholism – I think we can all agree OJ has killed some people. We can also agree that Marcia Clark sucked at her job and that’s why OJ is still free to roam the streets assaulting sports memorabilia collectors. (Did you know that Marcia Clark is a correspondent for Entertainment Tonight? Of course you know OJ went to USC, but did you know Marcia went to UCLA? Gotta love that crosstown rivalry. Thanks Wikipedia!) So yeah, OJ is a bad guy. But he’s only “killed” a handful of people (that we know of). Alcoholism kills fun. FUN! Every time you want to get your binge on, there’s someone pointing a finger calling you an alchie.
JP: OJ -The “Juice” is the dictionary definition of criminally insane. I truly believe that he doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong and will do anything for more fame. If one of his advisers told him that he’d get some press for murdering 2 more people, he would do it. OJ has the potential to be a real-life Jason Voorhees. But the answer to this question is what really scares me: why was Kato living in the his guest house in the first place?
Winner: Alcoholism!
v.
DLamp: Big Oil – There Will Be Blood scared the pants off me. Rosenhaus just makes me feel icky. You know, like someone had just taken my pants off in a way other than by scare.
Lunchbox: Big Oil – Drew Rosenhaus has done his damnedest to kill all good things about professional sports. You know, like rich owners taking advantage of the players who put their health on the line every time they’re on the field. Big Oil is killing our economy, our environment, and probably some baby seals too for good measure. AND, they’re great at spreading propaganda too. Check out an old commercial too where emphasis was on horsepower and not being “part of the solution”. Everyone knows that the key to being evil is good propaganda.
JP: Big Oil – Rosenhaus finally met his match in overall sleaziness, multiplied by 100,000. I just read an article where an Executive claimed that they have to price gouge when prices are high to “even out” their losses when prices are low. That’s a bald faced lie. The question is does he really believe it (scary) or does he just have no issues with boldly lying (scarier)?
Winner: Big Oil!
v. 
DLamp: Dick Cheney – The closest this planet may ever come to a Darth Vader. I mean, the man shot another man in the face for no good reason. Cold blooded.
Lunchbox: Meth – This seemed like the championship matchup, it’s just too bad it happened in the first round. Meth wins though. So what if Dick Cheney likes to throw high school civics class logic out the window in order to make the executive branch more powerful than the legislative and the judicial? So what if he shoots his good friends in the face with a load of bird shot? So what if he voted against making Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday a national holiday? So what if he voted against creating the Department of Education. But can he do this?
JP: Meth – While Cheney is dangerous in close proximity (hunting) and in the big picture running the government, meth is threatening to turn vast rural areas into a real life version of Thriller. And if you ever drive though the middle of the country, rural outweighs urban quite significantly. It’s replaced staging and submitting painful accidents to America’s Funniest Home Video as the #1 cause for injury and death among yokels, slack-jawed and otherwise. But what else do they have to do between makin’ babies?
Winner: Meth!
v. 
DLamp: Oprah – The self proclaimed “queen of all media” vs. the actual queen. Oprah has enough money to hire some green berets to kill Perez quietly in the night, but she prefers to get her hands dirty herself. Oprah wins by tearing his jugular out with her teeth.
Lunchbox: Oprah – I don’t really know what a Perez Hilton is exactly. From the picture above, he kind of looks like Bubba Sparxxx with a blue wig. Whatever, Oprah is OPRAH! Are you kidding me? She’s the most influential person alive.
JP: Oprah – This is possibly the biggest mismatch in the tournament. Oprah is responsible for the death of 3 men like Perez before she even wakes up with Gail.
Winner: Oprah!
Round 2 – Fight!
v.
DLamp: Alcoholism – Maybe this is me voting with my heart, but growing up with a mom that would have a few too many vodka & vodkas and then berate you because her life didn’t turn out the way you wanted is way scarier than, well, just about anything.
Lunchbox: Big Oil – Alcoholism has been around since man first drank some rotten fruit juice. Big Oil has been around for less than 200 years. Alcoholism won’t destroy the world any time soon. Last I heard, Big Oil will be ending it all somewhere around 2035.
JP: Big Oil – As hard as it is to vote against DLamp on this one, Big Oil continues to extort it’s own countrymen (and people ’round the world) to add millions to already massive endangered species encrusted Diamond Parachutes and pensions.
Winner: Big Oil!
v.
DLamp: Oprah – Don’t believe Oprah is the most powerful being on the planet? Check out this website and how she destroyed Dave Chapelle’s career.
Lunchbox: Meth – Can you imagine if Oprah did meth? Within weeks 90% of the women and 8% of the men in this country would be stealing copper pipe for meth money.
JP: Oprah – While many believe the Oprah-Chappelle Theory to be debunked, Oprah could easily have utilized Chappelle’s collaborators against him and masked it all as a “viral marketing campaign”. The conspiracy behind the exposed hoax is even worse. Plus, Oprah could end the meth epidemic by either a) purchasing every meth lab in the country or b) convincing suburban moms to exact severe vigilante justice on meth dealers.
Winner: Oprah!
Final Round – Finish Him!
v.
DLamp: Oprah – Lying, devious women are clearly the root of all evil. But where do lying, devious women come from? From watching Oprah and being brainwashed by the multi-armed terror that are her many outlets. Magazines, TV shows, book clubs, there is no end. Oprah is corrupting our women, and turning them into bitches. Yeah, I said it. What?!
Lunchbox: Oprah – Well, considering Oprah had no problem kicking the meth habit, I imagine that Big Oil won’t be a problem for her either. She’ll use a different tactic this time though. She buys all the oil in the world. Say hello to Petro-Winfrey!
JP: Oprah – Any woman with complete power over every woman in the entire country is a bit frightening to men, including myself.
Winner, and the final entrant into the Final Four: OPRAH!
Think we got it wrong? Vote below for who you think should have won, and if we were way off, your votes can change the outcome.
I think Big Oil beats Oprah any day of the week. If Oprah didn’t have a TV show, she wouldn’t have influence. And the companies that own the stations are all tied to big oil.
But really, how did Dick Cheney NOT win this bracket? The man has survived FOUR heart attacks! And shot someone in the face!
And the guy Cheney shot was a friend of his!
Anyone seen that cool new Reebok hat commercial about the Giants and the Dolphins? Anyone??