Oh man. Oh god. I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning in nothing but some socks and a top hat. I have no idea who or what I did last night. AWESOME!
On to the games…
Houston 2, Philly 10
Highlight – I totally kicked Mikey’s ass at Golden Tee during this game. YOU DON’T MESS WITH THIS DRIVE!
Lowlight – This series is still going?! Ugh. Barkeep, your finest…er…cheapest whiskey! And make it a double.
Detroit 1, Cleveland 11
Highlight – Garko is really fun to say. Garko. GarKO. Gaaaaaarko. Heh.
Lowlight – I think that guy over there is eyin’ me…
Milwaukee 5, St. Louis 3
Highlight – I like watching Prince Fielder hit home runs. It makes me feel like it’s 1991 again, and I’m back in high school. Best times ever man! Remember Mr. Lind?! Oh man, what a choad…yeah, his funeral was pretty sad.
Lowlight – Man, now you’ve harshed my buzz and all I can think about are all the wasted opportunities I’ve had in my life and…and that guy is seriously fuckin’ eying me!
White Sox 5, Baltimore 6
Highlight – What’s with Baltimore being all good? I don’t like those guys. Baltimore that is. Too bougie. Their name makes you think their all about wine parties and nice cheeses that don’t come in a squeeze bottle.
Lowlight – That guy was eying me. Unfortunately ‘that guy’= Tito Ortiz, professional fighter/tough guy. I was out for a good 15 minutes, Frank says.
Reds 9, Cubs 2
Highlight – Bartender felt bad that I got my head busted open, gave me a free PBR. Score!
Lowlight – Man, I’m totally the Cubs. No, seriously! Like, they haven’t won a world series in like a hundred years, and everyone’s real sad for them, and I got dicked over by coach on JV baseball and live a totally sad existence. Whoa, sorry, got a little too self reflective there.
Atlanta 8, Florida 0
Highlight – John Smoltz looks good so far this season. I like that because that guy was playing hockey on his 1993 Score Dream Team card, and hockey rocks.
Lowlight – Turns out that was Tommy Glavine.
Texas 4, Toronto 1
Highlight – That scoreboard should read: USA 4, Canada 1!
Lowlight – My head’s really throbbing from that Ortiz punch. I think he may have broken my jaw.
Washington 2, Mets 3
Highlight – Haven’t thrown up yet!
Lowlight – Spoke too soon…
Tampa 7, Twins 3
Highlight – Me and my buddy Joe decided to invent a drinking game during this match-up. Every time someone comes to bat, and we’ve never heard of them, you do a shot of Peach Schnapps.
Lowlight – See ‘Highlight’. The only people we had heard of were Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, and Eva Longoria. And by the 6th inning, we’d forgotten them too. Damn Schnapps.
Colorado 2, San Diego 1
Highlight – Whew, what a long game! I had to check the score on this here computador when I got home at 2 a.m. Then I went to Redtube…
Lowlight – Should have used my own computer, not roomate’s.
Kansas City 3, Angels 5
Highlight – Haven’t passed out yet!
Lowlight – …
Seattle 8, Oakland 1
Highlight – Woah, after that nap, I feel great! You know that point when you’ve been up for so long that you go past tired, past delirious, and in that wonderful place of having a ton of energy and it doesn’t even feel like you’ve been on a three day bender of booze, bar peanuts, and more booze? Well just call me the mayor of that place.
Lowlight – No home runs in this game. How can two teams go a full nine innings without hitting one out of the park? HIT THE GYM!
Alright, thats it for today. I got an 10 hour day hanging drywall at this rich guys place down in Rancho Palos Verdes and I need this energy to last me that entire time, since I already used up all my lunch breaks for the week (I took them all at once so I could play pinball at Straw Hat Pizza on Tuesday afternoon. What?)
If the crocs fit!? You bi-curious sonofabitch.
I was wearing that hat on St. Patricks day. Seriously.
Go M’s