Damnit, Dodgers! Score some freakin’ runs already!
My boy KERSHAW!1! is out there working his ass off and you guys can’t give him more than 1 run of support? This is an embarrassment! I’m really starting to think that this ball club doesn’t care about me, a random guy on the internet. Oh don’t believe me? Let’s look at our recent history together:
1) You don’t allow me a child’s Jackie Robinson jersey on Jackie Robinson night when the shirt will clearly fit me better than the five year old with a coloring book in front of me.
2) You security guards try to kick me out of the stadium in the second inning for calling Brad Penny a “fatass”. So now we’re coddling our players from judgment on their physical appearance? I once told Mike Piazza that his mustache made him look like the third, and most likely gay, Mario Bro. You know what Piazza did? He shook my hand and thanked me for my honesty. Penny just sent his goon over to try to get me “taken care of” while he enjoyed a few more boxes of Little Debbie on the mound. In fact, I’ve had enough of it! To all you Dodger fans out there, the next time you see Brad Penny, whether it be on the mound, in the dugout, or on the streets, I want you to call him out and being quite the FAT. ASS. No one tries to quiet my right to heckle at a ball game. No one!
3) Again, I couldn’t get the pack of Topps Dodgers baseball cards because I wasn’t under 14. Sucks to that! It’s a Tuesday freakin’ night, and you’re playing the NL-worst Rockies. I don’t think there are gonna be two many prepubescent fans walking around tonight so just give me the god damned cards!
4) Finally, don’t score runs for my boy, Uncle Charlie.
The last is the most heartbreaking of them all. I mean, he made one mistake in the game (a 2-run HR to Jeff Baker, who was ultra due for one considering it was the first of his year) and then shut down the purple-billed men from Colorado for the rest of his 5 IP (final line: 5IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 4BB, 5 Lembecks). Now he’s got an ugly loss on his record, and no win to balance it out. I hope you guys took him out to a nice dinner afterwards and apologized profusely for such poor conduct. KERSHAW!1! is manly like a lumberjack, don’t ever forget it, but he also has the warm soft heart of a baby lamb. A baby lamb that will f*ck you up with 97mph heaters and wicked Uncle Charlie curve balls if you don’t shape up!
PS – Clayton, if you’re reading this, I will gladly take you out to soothe the wounds that these LOSERS have inflicted upon you. Your choice. I will make sure that the restaurant is filled with lightly scented candles and that your glass is never empty of the buttery-est chardonay you’ve ever tasted. Then we can go sit up under the Hollywood sign, overlooking the city and talk about our dreams for the future…
Ah yes, we continue to go to Chavez Ravine in spite of being treated like dirt…when will we learn?