“Fixing” the NBA

Hmm, these guys might be on to something.

Mr. Stern,

I know you have other concerns at this time but allow me a moment to make a proposal, you will not be disappointed.

I represent a group of businessmen who have recently become interested in buying into your league. We feel with the obvious work you and your officials have done to make your product as exciting and profitable as possible, no matter what ethical standards may deem, is a great start but we would like to offer gentleman who could serve in consultant roles and take your league to a new level. The three principle consultants in our firm would be as follows:

• Don King– As you are no doubt aware Mr. King is an excellent boxing promoter and has been known to make the tough decisions when it comes to forgoing those oft times disappointing moments of your champion being defeated by some upstart. Mr. King has taken precautions to keep his fights predictable to so that no one leaves the arena upset about the outcome by pitting the best against less talented foes to ensure victory. We’ve taken notice of the disparity between the Conferences of your league and have determined that you hold to the same basic principle. Mr. King is willing to help you continue and refine this practice to the point that you will sell out each arena, even though the winner is almost always assured before tip-off.  Mr. King would also like to see all meaningful games and the playoffs moved to pay-per-view.  At 60 to 80 dollars per game, we can assure that your current practice extending playoff series to seven games even more profitable. 

• Donald Trump– Mr. Trump has always been able to make a good profit from a product that may or may not be dubious. In fact, he has built several different fortunes doing so. Most recently he has made a large amount of money by jumping into the reality TV market. We feel the simple idea of a competition that is predetermined from the start and manipulated to increase the audience viewership is perfect for your league.  Mr. Trump has suggested giving tickets away to fans but requiring them to attend a short informational session regarding purchasing shares of the teams in the form of high-yield bonds.  Quiet simply, we will not let fans leave the anterooms and attend the game until they have purchased some of Mr. Trump’s wares. 

•  Vince McMahon- Mr. McMahon can attest to the value of taking the bold step from unpredictable sports into the wonderfully lucrative world of sports entertainment. We fear that you might attempt to refute the claims of your wayward referee to avoid a drop in you sports ticket sales and merchandising. Mr. McMahon would like to sit down and discuss the practices and means in which he has created an empire out of fans who know for a fact they are watching predetermined sporting events. Beyond that he would like to show you how chemically enhancing you participants will make for more exciting competition for all.  Mr. McMahon agrees with Mr. King’s assessment of moving the playoffs to pay-per-view but also believes that the entire regular season can be used as nothing more than a commercial for the upcoming playoff series.  While traditional thinking tells us that Americans would not get caught up in hour long ads for the upcoming pay-per-view events, Mr. McMahon’s current venture would prove that it does in fact work.  Mr. McMahon proposes weekly, 2 hour stadium shows where the players and coaches posture and challenge each other to bring their best effort at the upcoming pay-per-view event.  While fans will watch, not only at home but in sellout crowds at the events, what they refer to as “pro basketball” there will be little if any actual basketball and what we do show will either be incredibly poor quality or nothing but a teaser of the next pay-per-view event.

We understand how some may focus on the negative of Mr. Donaghy recent disclosure of your business practices, but we would like to assure you that this can bring the NBA into bigger and more entertaining era of Sports Entertainment.

We eagerly await your reply.

Writers note: Thanks to str8chi over at Rootzoo for an idea I had to run with.

Tags: by Philguard, embarrassment, future, NBA, nba finals, reality tv