“Hello, weary travelers, and welcome to my island of wonders and amazement. Here, you will find supremely fine tuned athletic machines to do your bidding. Large, muscular men who want nothing more than to lead you to the ecstatic land of victory! But which will you choose? The dreamy Tom Brady and his “most TDs evar!” last season, or a tried and true gentleman about town like LT2? How soon is too soon to take a tight end *wink*? Well, you have lots of big, strong, sweaty men to choose from, so let me show you to your cabana, Mr. Quinn…”
We here at Pyle of List love fantasy sports. We talk about them even when they’re not relevant, and read about them on the internets all day long. And since we are such experts (isn’t everyone?), we’re offering up our advice for the upcoming season. We’ll give you the players we like the most, the ones we hate to own but have to, and the players you should avoid this year. As always, your thoughts and comments are welcome, just get them in in a timely manner. Enjoy!
Fantasy Picks – These are the players we think can’t miss this season. Take them early, and take them often.
JP: Tom Brady -This pick works on multiple levels. First, if there was one player I would “take” early and often it would be Dreamboat himelf. What can I say, I have a thing for bad boys. I can change him, you just wait and see! In addition to sexual fantasy, he’s a damn good QB in a weak-ass division with a great WR crew. Will he be as good as last year? No, but if there’s one thing that’s comforting for a fantasy owner it’s stability and Brady is as steady a producer as any fantasy player out there. Lastly, it means you and your significant other have one more thing in common.
Lunchbox: Joseph Addai – Addai has had a great first two years in the League. I think that the Colts will have to rely on him even more early in the year with Manning coming off a recent knee surgery to remove an infected bursa sac. Addai also seems better in goal line situations than Edgerrin James was during his time with the Colts. He has also been a great receiver. Indianapolis will have plenty of red zone chances again this year which means plenty of scoring opportunities for Joey.
Philguard: LaDainian Tomlinson – We all know you have to get those pesky running back slots taken care of first, but I always feel like I want some passing touchdowns right off the bat. LaDainian is the best RB in the league right now and he throws more TD’s than some QB’s you’ll talk yourself into in the 4th or 5th round. (thanks Daunte for consistently convincing me this might be the year you break out again.)
Schwing!
DLamp: Scarlett Johansson – One of the easiest picks in my eyes. People can talk about “overrated” or “getting on in age” but in my mind, no one does more consistent and quality work in the arena of Fantasy than ScarJo. Since 2003 (Lost in Translation) Ms. Johansson has averaged 1.5 good movies a year, and 26.8 BPM (boners per minute). If you’d like more “research” on this subject, please go here.
Fantasy Dicks – We hate these players with a vengeance! Sometimes we have very good reasons. Other times, well, it’s just a hatred we can’t explain. But these guys are good, so when the draft rolls around, we have to set emotions aside and pick them up.
JP: Tucker Max – This guy is easily the biggest douche-nozzle in the history of Earth. And second place is a DISTANT second. Like Carl Lewis in ‘roided-up Ben Johnson’s shadow second.Anyway, ol’ Tuck has a movie coming out based on his bafflingly successful book of the same title “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell”. I can only pray for the movie to fail, but factoring in the recent explosion of the Bro Demographic (or DemBROgraphic) success appears to be imminent. Even if the screenplay is this hilariously woeful.
Lunchbox: Terrell Owens – Dude is good. He’s pretty consistent. He’ll get you close to 100 yards per game and 12-16 touchdowns in that Dallas offense. He also is a giant dill hole. Fantasy sports can make me root for some really loathsome characters. But even I can’t get behind TO each Sunday.
Philguard: Clinton Portis – Since I’m the resident Cowboys fan, this one isn’t hard to figure out, is it. I liked Clinton. In fact, I picked him up off waivers after his first preseason game in Denver because I saw some real potential. And it was a good thing because Culpepper and “Edge” did nothing for me that year. But when Shannahan pulled his annual “I’ll give you my RB for whatever you got” and shipped Portis over to the Redskins it was all over for us. He’s been on the draft board and I have passed him up. Why? I can’t possibly sit on my couch and watch football and hope any Redskins player succeeds.
You know this chick likes it dirty.
DLamp: Victoria Beckham – Ugh, I hate this woman! No one represents the stupid posh lifestyle that I hate more than Posh Spice. What with her perfect husband, and happy family, and millions upon millions of dollars to spend on whatever she likes. Plus she never smiles, which is stupid. But, I got to hand it to her, she’s hot. And you may disagree, but that’s what I think. All I’m saying is that if she fell to you at the end of the first round (i.e. was standing in front of you at last call) and you hadn’t picked her position yet (i.e. were just planning on going home and masturbating to pictures of hot women) you’d be hard pressed not to take her, no matter how much her snobby attitude drives you crazy. Again, with the research.
Fantasy Tricks – Everyone’s saying these guys are going to be big this year, but we’re not fooled! Here are the players you should avoid, no matter what the pundits say.
JP: Football Night in America – You can give me that Bob Costas “Emmy-Winner” BS all day long, but this show is bad with zero signs of becoming good, much less great. Sure they brought back Olbermann and added Dan Patrick to make us nostalgic about entertaining sports coverage, but that just makes the show even messier than before. Sometimes adding good chemistry to a logjam of chaos just makes the other chaos look even worse… and logjammy.
Lunchbox: Brian Westbrook is a guy I tend to avoid. He’s a great asset, no doubt. Especially in PPR leagues. But the problem with Mr. Westbrook is his fragility. He always seems to miss a crucial game due to a knee strain or a rib injury. He was pretty consistent last year, but that just makes me think this year he’s going to be banged up again. Although, if you can stomach the thought of Westbrook being nailed by Jason Taylor at being helped off the field by two teammates, be my guest.
Get used to this sight, Vikings fan.
Philguard: Adrian Peterson – Pretty simple, folks. AD has two things going against him this year. He was rookie of the year. You have to go back to 2004 to get a ROY that had success the next year. And considering the fact that he is the only bright spot in that Vikings offense, he will have to carry the offense through 8 man fronts all season long…which brings us to the second problem. All Day had a spectacular freshman season at OU and then never played another full season. If the pattern continues into the NFL, he could rip the “tons of potential wasted on an injury magnet” award away from Joey Galloway.
Chick in the third row, second from the left: nice rack.
DLamp: Old friends from high school – We’ve all been there. Searching the spank bank for something to get us through this. Well let me give you a bit of advice: that girl from high school who sat behind you in Mrs. Olsen’s Spanish class? Forget about her! Here are my three reasons why: 1) She’s not as good as you remember. Think she’s the hottest thing ever? Go get out that year book and then tell me that. Yeah, time has a great way of beer goggle-ing girls you used to know. 2) Never gonna happen. You think if maybe you rub one out to her she’ll be extra into you at the reunion and then you’ll get to live out these fantasies? Please. 3) She’s 17. That’s right, no matter how old you are when you knew her, you are now a grown as man fantasizing about a 17 year old. That’s gross, even by my standards!
Think we’re way off base? Please, let us hear it!
How dare you – I still jerk off to the 1st girl who got me off. She gave me a piece of her soul – and it’s mine to keep for all of eternity. Teenager fantasies be damned.
By the Power of Greyskull!