Well there son, there is something your good friend Jeff Kent puts first and foremost in his life, and that’s respectin’ his elders. The brave men who fought for this country so you and I could ride dirt bikes and hunt animals as God himself intended. So when yer daddy, or someone else who’s lived a lot more years than you asks you to do something’ you do it! Assuming they’re white of course…
And that’s how I come to see these two movies here, Natural Born Killers and American Psycho. You see, Old Man Maddux just joined our team here and pulls me over to his locker the other day to show me somethin’ he called The Netflix. He explains that someone will just send you movies through the mail, and you send em back and then get a new one. Now, this sounds like crazy talk brought about by too much Ensure, but I obliged the old timer. Don’t want his ticker givin’ out on him or breakin’ a hip ‘cuz old Jeff Kent is rippin’ him a new one for lyin’ like an Albanian. Now where was I? Oh yeah! The movies…
First up we had Natural Born Killers. Now, let me just say that Jeff Kent does not advocate the murderin’ of any innocent white fold. We clear? Good. Now how-dy! This movie was top notch fella! Top notch indeed. This is what ‘Merica needs more of! Two fold, clearly Southern, goin’ around and showin’ these liberal media yuppies and their “chino” pants and “hush puppy” shoes how life really is. You want to be lead dog? Well there’s only one way to get there: a gun! That’s all that separates us from them dinosaurs, is our ability to invent and utilize firearms.
Now, this story is about Mickey (not a dirty Irish, thank God) and…well, I don’t really remember the broad’s name, but I’m pretty sure it started with an ‘M’ too. They are in love with each other and guns. My kinda kids, really. And they go around teaching bad folk a lesson. Lessons like don’t go down on strange ‘tang in a gas station garage, don’t trust the law, and don’t be a Indian. Along the way, they get arrested (see lesson #2) and some Kiwi from down under does an interview with Mickey while some other fella tries to take advantage of his lady friend. Well, righteousness wins out and our heroes walk away, free as a bird in order to spread justice all over this great country. And don’t worry, the Kiwi dies!
Great flick, deserving of a full 5 Ye-haws! out of 5.
Secondly, we watch American Pyscho. Now this movie was a little hit and miss for yer old boy Jeff Kent, just like that Milatto they got playin’ next to me, James Loney. Kid thinks he’s better’n me just because his average is a couple points higher. Well, let’s see who’s credit score is higher when those extra tendons in your knees give out, ya half breed! Anyways, Old Man Maddux fell asleep about ten minutes into this bad boy. Poor little guy. All tuckered out from all the excitement of movin’ teams. But this movie is about a guy who looks an awful lot like that homo Tom Cruise who goes around killin’ folk at night while being a big shot somethingorother during the day. And, well, I just didn’t get it. All day he blathers on with these homos about business cards and suits and exfoliatin’ masks but at night he turns into a real man. I mean, we’re talkin’ whores and killin’ like God intended. I guess this movie is about how we sometimes have to put what we really are (men!) aside and just try to blend in. And, well, that’s Commie talk if I ever heard it! This is ‘Merica, dag nabbit, and I’ll kill who I want to kill and sex up whomever I want to sex up… as long as the color of my skin is no darker than an egg shell. And not a chink.
But I gonna give it 2 Yee-haws! out of 5. 1 Yee-haw! for the violence, and 1 Yee-haw for the part where he’s sexin’ the two ladies up at the same time. Always wanted to do that…