‘Tis the season and all that nonsense. Look, we know what this time of year is really about: buying useless pieces of plastic for people you really don’t care about. A sweater for Aunt Edna and a tie for Uncle Joe because you have to. Stupid families. But what about those people that we WANT to buy things for? For those magnificent athletes that allow us to escape from our harsh realities and give us something to talk about around the dinner table other than telling your mother “for the last time, I’m not getting my CPA so stop asking!”. We know you’re cheap though, so we kept our list in accordance. Enjoy, and pass the ham.
Andy Reid taught him well
South Beach Diet book for Donovan McNabb
Everyone knows Donovan McNabb is out of shape compared to other NFL quarterbacks. Have you ever seen him run a no-huddle offense? It hardly ever happens. When it does happen, he ends up looking more out of breath than the defenders. I don’t really know what the South Beach Diet consists of, but I bet it doesn’t include lots of chunky soup full chock full of cholesterol. When McNabb retires, he’s going to challenge Charles Barkely and Magic Johnson for Fattest Ex-Athlete in the Studio.
Good luck with that one, kid
Detroit Lions hat for Sam Bradford
My birthday follows right after the end of the school year. So when I graduated high school, I was flooded with apparel and gear sporting the logo of the school I would be attending next year. I hated it. To this day the only items of school spirit I’ve ever worn are the beanie I bought myself at registration and a “funny” shirt dissing our rival from a friend in the marching band. Grandma Bradford isn’t really connected with today’s youth (as my family wasn’t) but she does know which team is going to be stupid enough to draft him next year, so the hat is the only thing that makes sense to her.
*insert joke about A-Rod liking to be choked during sex here*
Madonna’s Sex book for A-Rod
This is the Madonna that A-Rod signed up for. Not this one. You the biggest downside of banging Madonna now rather than 15 years ago? All the guys that ask you how their dicks taste when you kiss her.
2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten!
“Best Friends” pendants for Troy and Joe
Because it finally just needs to be said. And what better way to say it than with crappy jewelry?
“Them’s my antlers, man!” *sobs*
Reindeer headband with plush horns for TO
What do you get for a multimillionaire like TO? Anything that will garner him some attention for the next two hours. Let’s face it, you could buy TO a new BMW and he would be bored with it two hours later, so just get him some antlers so he can run around the locker room calling himself comet for a bit. Then he’ll get all tuckered out and fall asleep under the tree. Little rascal…happens every year!
“VY likes to write about his feelings”
Chicken Soup for the NFL Player’s Soul for Vince Young
Vince Young doesn’t have a lot going for him right now. You all know how much he’s been through this year: injuries, a mini-manhunt, benching, questioning his sanity, and so on. The little guy could use a pick-me-up right about now. It seems even Texas fans have forgotten about his other worldly feats since Colt McCoy has been so successful in burnt orange the last three years. VY could probably use a hug.
The only person who wouldn’t see this as a terrible present
Personal star(bury) registry for Stephon Marbury
I feel for the guy. He just wants to get his millions of dollars up front, so he can go get paid by another team as well. Isn’t that what we all really want? But since Stephon has done an admirable job of making cheap basketball shoes for America’s urban youth, I want to give him something you can’t put a pricetag on: the ability to point to the sky on a cold New York night and say, “That’s my star, Donnie Walsh! And you’re not allowed on it!”
Fatty want cake?
Bottle of Phen Fen for CC
Those saddlebags may have gotten a free pass in the midwest, but this is the Big Apple! High fashion lives here! So Sabathia is going to need to drop some of those ell bees, and he for damn sure isn’t going to start eating less. So let’s get him a little something to help get him on his way.
For the leftovers after he buys a spaceship
Wallet for Mark Teixeira
Teixeira is about to become one of the richest men in baseball, and he’s going to need a wallet to hold all that Angel/Red Sox/Oriole/National money. Oh, and don’t forget the penny in it.
Awwwww *throws up*
Baby Bjorn for Tiger Woods
I don’t want him hurting that back while carrying around the new poo factory. Not when he could be winning golf tournaments and making very old white men grumble at their country clubs. Plus, his wife looks Swedish, so she’ll appreciate the name.
“When you wanna cooooooome…”
“Frankie Say Relax” t-shirts for the Dallas Cowboys
These guys are all wound up and it’s not going to end well. TO said this. Jerry Jones said that. Romo and Witten made out. It’s like junior high homeroom over there in Irving, TX. These guys just need to relax and realize they have the skills to be a REALLY good football team. Of course, Owens has been there for almost three full seasons now. According to my watch, the time is becoming nigh when the whole thing goes up in flames. If they could show some cameraderie and unity for six weeks, they’d have a shot at the Lombardi Trophy. Problem is, they’re all too hyped up on their own egos to realize that.
Got the perfect present for your favorite athlete? Leave it in the comments!