Ah, the holidays. That wonderful time of year when we spend our money on things for other people. More importantly, we GET things from other people as well. Nothing matches the excitement of seeing that shiny box with your name on it and wondering at the limitless possibilities of what it could be. Gold? Giftcard? Jetpack?! And sadly, nothing matches that disappoint of learning that your mom has, once again, got you an extra large shirt that says something like “Bad to the BONE” and has a picture of a dog flexing his bicep. Then you get to wait in line at Target for an hour just to be told that you don’t have the receipt so you can only get store credit. So you pick out something that isn’t atrocious (usually baseball cards for me) and wait in line for another hour at the checkstand.
Well, we’re not alone in this plight. Many a professional sports franchise has gotten a gift (usually for themselves) that they wish they could take back, and we’ve made a list of some of the worst presents ever. Enjoy!
Nice front butt!
Charlie Weis, Notre Dame
You guided a team of Ty Willingham’s players to a decent season against inferior competition, almost beat USC and got destroyed in a BCS Bowl Game. Your reward: a 10 year, multi-million dollar extension with a buy-out clause so ridiculous that even Notre Dame boosters aren’t willing to pay it. You then proceeded to lose 9 games in a season, followed up by losing to Syracuse at home and players going bananas over the Hawaii Bowl as though they were in a BCS game. Congrats Charlie! You’re not the best football coach or recruiter, but you sure are a formidable grifter.
“How much for that auto? No, I mean how much do I have to give you to take it off my hands?”
Drew Henson, Dallas Cowboys
After forcing Troy Aikman into retirement and into his love nest with Joe Buck the Cowboys tried drafting Quincy Carter which wasn’t working out. Jerry Jones refused to learn his lesson after grabbing at Stanford Quarterback turned Cardinal pitcher Chad Hutchinson and gave up a third round draft pick to the Houston Texans for former Yankees first baseman Drew Henson. Henson, who had no contract with Houston, signed on with Dallas for 8 years. He only ended up starting 1 game, a Thanksgiving game against the Bears, where he was pulled in favor of a less than 100% Vinny Testeverde at halftime. And that’s what 35 million dollar signing bonuses get you when Jerry Jones is making the deals. Interesting post script to Henson’s worth in the NFL…Henson has been released from the Lions this year…twice.
Just another day at the office…
Barry Zito, SF Giants
Zito was the last of Oakland “Big Three” (Hudson and Mulder were the other two) to leave the A’s, and the only to do so as a free agent. That’s when the Giants swept across the bridge and snapped up Zito with the first 9 figure salary in pitching history. Since jumping ship, Zito has seen his ERA balloon up over 4, strikeouts fall to the lowest since his rookie year in 2000, and failed to reach the magical 200 innings mark (also the first times he’s failed to do so since 2000). But what were they really expecting? After his incredible season in 2002 (23-5, 182 Ks, 2.75 ERA, 1.13 WHIP – a career low) he had a record of 55-46 and never came close to reaching those lofty stats ever again.
This isn’t to say that Walker cries a lot, it’s to say he craps his pants constantly.
Antoine Walker, any NBA team he’s ever played for
When Walker and Pierce were on the Celtics together in the late 90′s/early 00′s, it looked like they might finally bring a title back to Beantown. Turns out not so much. Since then, Walker has bounced around from team to team, poisoning locker rooms all across the country. He’s fallen so low that the Grizzlies are trying to pay him not to play. The freakin’ Grizzlies!
Right after this picture was taken, Schmidt burst into flames.
Jason Schmidt, LA Doyers
Schmidt was signed to a 3-year $47 million deal two years ago and the Dodgers have six starts and one win to show for it. It got so bad that the doctors had to do exploratory surgery, hoping they could figure out what was responsible for his ineffectiveness. It’s never a good sign when the doctors decide that cutting open your $47 million investment and poking around in there is the best available option. Who knows what Schmidt will be able to contribute in 2009, the final year of his contract? Since it’s a contract year, I bet he has some sort of miraculous recovery though. That’s the only thing Dodger fans can hope for at this point.
“Get down!”
Gilbert Arenas, Washington Wizards
One thing that really intrigues me about the NBA is the idea of a max contract. That means no matter how good someone is (Lebron, Kobe, et al) they can only get so much money over so many years. I just think it’s fascinating. Also fascinating? Gilbert Arenas just got one of those from the Wiz. WTF? I know Gilbert is good and all, but he’s not Kobe or Bron Bron, yet he makes just as much money. Couple that with the fact that he hasn’t played a single minute since signing that contract, and the Wiz is left feeling “Kwame Brown’d”.
“…and free mustache rides for the ladies!”
Jason Giambi, New York Yankees
At the winter meetings in 2001 the Yankees convinced this former Athletics standout first baseman to sign a 7 year/$120 million contract. But after a rough couple of seasons in pinstripes the Yankees were beginning to feel like they’d made a mistake. Then the BALCO investigation came along and Giambi testified to a grand jury that he had, in fact, made use of anabolic steroids. The Bronx Bombers looked into canceling the contract but after all…how could the Yankees toss away a decent player for taking advantage of the loopholes to get rich even if it makes him a cheating rat of a human being? That would be hypocritical.
“No one can protect you while you sleep!”
Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys
Jerry Jones has never been accused of being frugal with talent, but in this case he may have jumped the gun on declaring his boy-wonder offensive coordinator a genius. With a stockpile of offensive talent and a QB willing to take chances, the Cowboys offense soared last season and for whatever reason it was attributed to Garrett’s ability as a coordinator. Jerry had to pay him head coach money to ward off other suitors and now he’s stuck with ol’ Ginger calling plays for an undisciplined, ineffective offense. If you watch closely, you can actually watch their potential being wasted. If Jerry still has the receipt, he can take Garrett back to the “Untested Coaches with Potential” Store to be put back on the shelf where Lane Kiffin used to be.
“Cha-ching!”
Mark Teixeira, New York Yankees
The Empire just signed Tex to an eight year contract worth $180 million with a complete no-trade provision. The amount of money the Yankees have thrown around this off-season is bringing renewed calls for a salary cap. Yankee stadium is now home to the four highest paid players in MLB: Sabathia, A-Rod, Jeter, and Tex. I can’t wait until it results in another season without a World Series victory. Tex might do alright for the Yankees, but is he the BEST 1B in baseball? The Steinbrenners must think so since he’s definitely getting paid more than any other first baseman.
Bragging about scholastics never bodes well for athletes.
Alex Smith, SF 49ers
This is one of those things almost too embarassing to return because you paid so much for it and it sucked so spectacularly. Instead, you just shove into the back of the closet next to your unused paintball and home brewing starter kit you forgot existed. The 49ers would’ve been better off flushing their 2005 1st Round pick down the toilet than selecting Alex Smith. It would be like buying a Christmas gift for someone in your family that ruined the next 2 or 3 Christmases, so every holiday season all they thought of was that horrible gift.
Pictured: Crazy.
Dennis Rodman, Dallas Mavericks
Rodman was reaching the end of a storied NBA career in 2000 when he got a call from the brand spanking new owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban. Cuban was willing to offer a contract that would include no requirements other than that he play on game night and Cuban would even allow the Worm to move into his guest house while he was with the Mavs. 12 games later, Rodman was cast out into the street as he had been fairly ineffective (when he had been able to finish a game without getting ejected). But don’t worry about Cuban and Rodman…they’re still buddies. In 2007, Rodman decided to film a reality show where he taught the mild-mannered owner to walk on the wild side and Cuban’s HDNet picked up the show. No word yet on when Cuban will be the subject of an episode.
Now we know there are more out there, so live some of your team’s most regrettable moves in the comments!