If you’re reading this, then you are like us in that you watch a lot of sports on TV. And if you’re like us, that means you prefer to watch the game on mute many times because the announcers make you want to hop inside the back of a cement truck and roll it off the end of a pier. For us, the wort part (worse than the inaccuracies or shilling for the network) is the fawning all over certain players. For some of us, it causes a hatred to boil inside for those players until it spills out in profanity laden tirades at inappropriate times (for the thousandth time, sorry Grandma, but Welker is an asshole!). The following list is the most fawned upon of the fawned upon, the most loved of the loved, and guys with the cleanest balls from all the washing. Enjoy!
“Nobody in the league stretches like that!”
Pey Pey Manning
Remember when Peyton Manning was in every commercial on TV? Oh wait, that’s everyday from now until 2430 when we all worship Howard the Duck as our deity of choice. But the only people that love Pey Pey more than advertisers are announcers. Manning fits every single category of the announcer’s dream archetype: Quarterback? Check. Hard-worker? Check. White as a fresh snowfall? Double-check. Think back to that kid in school the teacher adores because he always did everything right and kissed-up too? That’s Manning in a nutshell… the ultimate teacher’s pet. Now think about how you felt about that kid. That should give you an idea how everyone outisde of play by play guys feel about Pey Pey.
“He’s so all over the field, this isn’t even his game! This is Bengals/Browns!”
Troy Polamalu
Ugh, I am tired of it. I brought up the fact at a football party last week during the SD/Pitt game that I did not care for Polamalu and everyone in attendance practically did a spit take. “How could you not like him?! He’s all over the field!” Exactly. All I ever hear about is how “all over the field” the guy is and I’m sick of it. Is he good? Of course he is a good player, but I don’t need to hear about him on every play. “Nice sack by Harrison, but they really ought to give an assist to Polamalu because that guy is all over the field!”
“Look at him searching for answers as to why he threw five picks. Such the everyman!
Brett Favre
The king of everything from Green Bay to Wrangler jeans. Favre can play somewhere till he’s 73 and Skip Bayless and John Madden will be talking about this guys heart and toughness. And should the rest of the media ever catch on, he’ll just toss a snowball or two and there will will be a collective, “aww, see how much he loves to play football.” coming from Bristol.
“Have you ever seen anyone throw powder like this before?!”
Bron Bron
Think back to your senior year of high school. Now do you remember anyone ordering pay-per-view to watch you do anything? How bout driving a Hummer around? LeBron is a good basketball player, I recognize that, but why do I need to hear about where he might decide to go in 2010 every morning as I turn on the TV. Note to ESPN, when you have new information I’m ready to listen, until then lets listen to more Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless yelling at each other about TO.
“Look at that form, and only seven minutes since his last pitch!”
Dice K Matsuzaka
This guy has gotten so much media attention it’s ridiculous. When the Red Sox originally signed him, every acted as though he was going to revolutionize the world of pitching. “The gyroball is here!” could be heard from every major sporting news outlet. Turns out the guy is slightly above average. In fact, I bet if you put him on a team with a little less run support, you would realize he is decidedly average.
“Nobody takes over a universe like the Dukies! Nobody!”
Every Duke player
Did you know that every time Dick Vitale prattles on about “how great a kid [douchebag Blue Devil] is”, a baby is murdered? Not so much murdered as sacrificed to Coach K in his quest for eternal youth and complete assbag-ness for his program. It would be tolerable if Vitale were the only pundit to jock Duke but it extends well beyond college hoops. All you need to know about their tolerability is that Duke is Kobe’s adopted college team.
“Clutchest. Hug. Evar!”
Derek Jeter
Has anyone been given more credit from announcers for doing less on the field than Cap’n Jeter? Any defense of Jeter will include the word “intangibles” about 57 times and result in a snarling, angry baseball guy. You know baseball guy? The ones that belittle stats and over-value chemistry guys while they condescendingly explain that you don’t understand or respect the game. Sure, intangibles are important but they aren’t everything… I’m looking your way Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan.
“Hustling can take a lot out of you!”
Tyler Hansbrough
“Psycho T”? Are we for reals with this? Like, cereal? Let me let you in on a little secret…this guy’s a douchebag. And a douchebag that will not be a good pro. So let’s stop with all the “how hard he works” and “will to win” crap, okay? He’s just another pretty good college player that we will all forget about in a couple of years.
“That smile just made my pants go ‘vroom vroom’ a little!”
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
If I ever watch a NASCAR race again I’ll be surprised. My father who used to watch the “sport” in the 70′s has even given up and I think we’re about to see a sharp decline in it’s popularity. A major reason might be this guy. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the impact that Dale Senior had on the sport. I think the popularity boom of NASCAR has as much of him in it as any rise of any sport could have. But that doesn’t make me respect Jr. more. Jr. has ridden his daddies popularity into securing a fan-base he’s not entirely deserving of. Matt Kenseth entered into NASCAR in the same year as Jr. and beat him out for rookie of the year and has consistently outpaced Jr. Kenseth has won a Cup Championship and finished in the top 10 in points for the last 7 seasons. Jr. is still looking for that first Championship and has had the incredibly contrived “Chase for the Cup” rules changed because he was left out in 2007. Add to that every NASCAR fan still driving around with the number 8 sticker on the back of their pick-up desite his change of rides over a year ago and you begin to get sick of this guy. Got any other players that belong on this list? Leave them in the comments!
Excellent stuff. Maybe my favorite article in POL history.
Jeter caption: “Tell me that doesn’t feel good gorgeous.”
Tim Tebow springs most immediately to mind, though that could be entirely Thom Brenneman’s fault.
This list should begin with Tim Tebow
If you don’t say “Barry Bonds” then you clearly don’t watch Sunday Night Baseball with Joe Morgan and company. He mentions Albert Pujols quite a bit too.
How did Tebow not make this list?
This list is not even remotely credible without Tebow on it
uh, Dice-K in 2008 was 18-3 with an ERA of 2.90.
Even if he was on a team with little run support, an ERA that low is all-star caliber. certainly deserving of any attention he gets, regardless of the hysteria before he came over in ’07.
No Sidney Crosby???????
Troy Polamalu is God. Saying anything bad about him is blasphemy.
I agree that Tebow should be on this list.
Dude so true, I constantly get yelled at by family, and friends when I say I don’t like an athlete that everybody thinks is God. Awesome blog
How can you not have Tim Tebow on this. If you ask the guys who called the national championship you will find the meaning of life just by writing about him
I agree this list is invalid without Tim Tebow.
I agree about Polamalu. Yes, he makes a lot of spectacular plays. But am I the only one who’s noticed the man can’t make a tackle unless it’s the highlight reel variety?
Good list, but incomplete without Mr. Second Coming,
Tiger Woods
What about Tiger…come on! Agree with Tebow also..a must!
Tebow and Sidney Crosby are the poster boys for this list…for EPL followers I would throw John Terry and Frank Lampard in there.
Daisuke Matsuzaka? Really? The guy was 18-3 last season as someone else pointed out and I’ve never really heard the media go over the top on him (with the exception of his arrival)…
This list is nothing without Tebow and Ray Lewis
Maybe being a Buffalo Bills fan has skewed my view, but there have apparently never been better football players than Tom Brady and Tedy Bruschi.
You seriously left off Tebow? The way everyone fawns over him you would think he’s going to skip his senior year to ascend to heaven
based on pure fawning over athletes, you have to include tebow, crosby, bradford, and mccoy. they get so much love im surprised they dont have their own religion. however if you ever go to austin, texas be prepared for vince young is the second coming
Michael Vick, circa 2002??? Who can forget the ESPN Sunday night games when Joe Theissmann and crew would endlessly fawn over his “revolutionizing” the position
How could you not include Eli Manning? Even when he was doing a shit job (which even last year wasn’t that great) the announcers couldn’t get enough of him. He of course is the second coming of Pey Pey. IN NEW YORK, NO LESS! P-UKE. And also their conversion on Coughlin as a coach. The guy was a douchebag 10 years ago and is still a douchebag.
One other mention. Kobe Bryant. Yes he won championships – but only with Shaq. No Shaq, no rings. Scotty Pippen without Michael Jordan.
Oh, and this year’s NFL announcers favorite? Aaron Rodgers. Even when they were going directly down the shitter, announcers still felt it necessary to proclaim him the 2nd coming.
Totally agree with Eli atleast Peyton is good Eli gets a whole lot of credit for handing the ball of and completing passes to wide open 6 foot 5 freakslike plax while playing behind the best o-line in the game.
A note to commenters:
This list was inspired by Tim Tebow, which we failed to mention in the opening paragraph. He was so obvious we left him off the list.
I’ve been yelling at the tv about the ass kissing of Favre for years…as he throws another pick…and the announcers blame someone else for it…while he hadn’t made it out of the divisional round for a decade until 2007. I stopped watching Green Bay games a few years ago because of it. Fortunately, not to many Jets games were broadcast locally last season so it wasn’t as much of a problem, but once again we get to hear endless “will he retire” garbage for the next few months. Egads, make it stop.
Eli made my permanent shitlist the day of the ’04 draft when he nearly burst into tears after getting picked #1 overall. I’d hate him even if he wasn’t on the Giants.
I know its already been mentioned multiple times, but seriously, how is tim tebow not on this list? During the National Championship Game, one of the announcers said (after tebow got a penalty) – “that is probably the first time in his life tebow has ever done anything wrong.” (or something to that extent – and not sarcastically)
Don’t forget Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Kobes.
I nominate the steady stream of “Chad Johnson is fun” chatter, a bizarre attempt to distinguish his self-absorbed antics from the likes of other WRs like T.O., Moss, Boldin, etc… It’s the same pouting, “give me the ball” bullsh** that ruins a team, but for some reason Chad is applauded by announcers for just bringing “fun” back into the game.
1. Tim Tebow
2. Tony Romo (at least until December)
3. both Manning brothers (esp. since they both undeservedly got Super Bowl MVPs that Dominic Rhodes and Justin Tuck should have gotten)
4. Brett Favre (although Thomas Jones’s comments about him made me laugh)
5. Duke men’s basketball
6. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed (they both get more fawning that Polamalu ever do)
7. Tiger Woods (oh man, Tiger’s out, I guess you can cancel the rest of the PGA tour)
8. Tom Brady
9. Derek Jeter (overrated. a good player but a if you hit less than 15 HRs a year, you shouldn’t strike out over 100 times like the “Captain” does. Come on, Paul O’Neill and Bernie Williams and the pitching were the reasons why the Yankees even had a threepeat)
10. Tyler Hansbrough (at least he isn’t an overbearing goody-two shoes cheesy MFer like Tebow is, although it isn’t March Madness yet, where you will hear about how much heart this guy has every 3 minutes)
Ray Lewis!!! Lewis jumps on a pile after a tackle is made or walks up to the pile after the tackle and we’re told what a great tackle Ray Lewis made. The Ravens offense is on the field and the camera shows Ray Lewis. 500 times a game the announcers tell us that Ray Lewis is “the heart and soul of the Ravens defense”. If I was a Ravens player, I would find that more than a little insulting. Lewis lines up on the right, runner goes left and gets tackled. Who gets credit? Not the guy that made the tackle. Lewis gets the credit because “the runner went left to avoid having to face the wrath of Ray Lewis”. Lewis is the defense version of Brett Favre in how the announcers fellate him all game long.
did you hear? tim tebow won another national title and the OKLAHOMA SOONERS lost another game.
apparantly tebow plays defense, throws passes to himself, doesnt need an o-line as he bowls over anyone in his path. he calls his own plays and convinced billy donovan to return to UF.
You nailed my top two: Peyton Manning and Brett Favre. My God, I avoid watching any Colts or Jets games at all costs because of these overrated “fawnabees”. Announcers always rave about how many TDs Favre throws, but never mention how many interceptions he throws. I wish he would retire once and for all.
Unless you’re a Democrat, you have to admit our new President should be on the list (he played high school basketball – although the media would lead you to believe he played NBA hoops). Listening to the media during the presidential race (except for Fox news) you’d think Obama walked on water.
By the way: Iagree with the comments above re: Daisuke. Except for the attentionhe first received when he came to MLB from Japan I haven’t noticed a lot of fawning over him. And his stats will support the claim that he is All-Star caliber.