With Kurt Warner praying and Jesus-drawing his way into another Super Bowl on the heels of Tim Tebow using his God-given superhuman powers to win a national title and the hearts of a nation, it has really brought to light how the good Lord favors those who favor Him. Even the oft-concussed Ben Roethlisberger summoned enough mental acuity to praise the Lord last week. So we’ve assembled a team of athletes that give the most of their lofty salaries to the collection plate each week. Enjoy!
“Um, Tim, that’s not what I meant by ‘love thy neighbor’…”
Tim Tebow, QB, Florida – After making the error of the century last week and leaving Tebow off our ball washing list, we couldn’t leave him off our God list. Tebow’s so hot for God that he declined to be in Playboy for their pre-season All-American Team. If you believe in a God that hates tits, then that’s a God I want no part of, sir!
Sometimes, when God is hungover, it accidentally rains paper.
Tony Dungy, Coach, Retired – Do you know Dungy played QB for the 70′s Steelers for 2 games when Bradshaw was injured? I did. How do I know? I read his book his bestselling book “Quiet Stregth”. When a guy can write an autobiography and mention NFL stars and coaches but not give the people any great gossip and it still becomes a bestseller, God must be in it.
If this were true, the Iraq war would have lasted three minutes.
Reggie White, DE, Deceased -Reggie White was an ordained evangelical minister. He had the nickname “Minister of Defense.” Not only was he crazy about God, he was crazy about tackling quarterbacks too. At the time of his retirement, he held the NFL record in sacks. He’d also won a couple NFL defensive MVP’s (11 years apart!) and a Super Bowl. All in all, not a bad career. He passed away just over four years ago at the young age of 43. In 2006 he was inducted in the the NFL HOF posthumously. He’s dead, so I’m not going to make any snarky remarks about him, okay?
Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, SG, Saudi Arabia -
Didn’t think they’d all be Christian did you? Once known as Chris Jackson at LSU, you can think of him as the precursor to Allen Iverson in the evolution of small, scoring point guards. He was important piece of the Dikembe Mutumbo Nuggets that shocked the Sonics in the 1st Round. Not to mention, Rauf is one free throw shy of the all-time NBA record for free throw percentage in a season (held by serial baby’s daddy Calvin Murphy). But you most likely remember him for his refusal to stand during the National Anthem because it conflicted with his Islamic beliefs. This was a big deal in 1996 and didn’t make him very popular amongst NBA fans who didn’t appreciate his critique of America. Eventually a compromise was made but can you imagine how different this would’ve shaken down in a post 9/11 world? He’d be the most hated man in sports, like a cross between TO and Iron Sheik in his prime.
“You girls are gifts from God…and Daddy’s outta here!”
Charlie Ward, PG/QB, New York Knicks/Florida State –
Ward was a two-sport star at Florida State but let his Heisman winning career behind to pursue a basketball career with the New York Knicks. He was nothing more than a solid role player for the mid to late-90′s Knicks that nearly turned the NBA into the WWF without the insane storylines and tights (it still has the predetermined outcomes thought, right Mr. Stern?). However ol’ Chaz Ward is probably best known for accusing the Jews of being responsible for killing Jesus. Not a smart move in New York, my friend. No word on whether or not the authorities investigated his claims but without the modern forensic advances that have made solving cold cases easier, I doubt Ward had a very strong case against the Jewish people of 30 AD.
This is just plain weird.
Hakeem Olajuwon, C, Retired – The purveyor of the Dream Shakeand founding father of Phi Slamma Jamma was not always a religious fellow. He was mouthy and could talk his share of smack. But in 1991 he adopted the Muslim faith and changed the spelling of his name, Akeem, to the traditional Arabic spelling, Hakeem. He studied the Qu’ran like he was studying for the bar exam. The really crazy part is that he observed the month of Ramadan by not eating or drinking during daylight hours. During his career, Ramadan always fell during the season. He even won the NBA player of the month in February 1995 which was the month of Ramadan that year. Talk about higher power, huh? Oh yeah, he’s also responsible for the best outfit ever worn to the NBA draft. I could go on and on about him, mostly because my girlfriend loves the Rockets and has gone on and on about him to me. (If you like sweet moves by a big man, watch this video.)
Why is Jesus always hanging out with losers?
Deion Sanders, CB, Retired – Sanders hit rock bottom in 1997 while playing for the Reds (part of hitting rock bottom). One night his was awakened by a bright light that filled his Cinncinnati apartment. In that moment Primetime met Jesus. After connecting with Bishop T.D. Jakes, Neon Deion became one of the most outspoken Christians in sports and proof that God will accept you, no matter how pimpy you dress.
Shame, you could have made such a good mid-tier wrestler…
Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas Rangers -Let’s face it, drugs are pretty cool. But apparently Josh couldn’t handle the coolness of them and had to go to rehab where he found Jesus. Then at the all-star game this year after walloping homer after homer after homer he has to get on the PA and start protheletising (if that’s even the right word) to the masses.Ugh! How could a guy that looks like such a cool wrestling video game created character be such a buzzkill?!
“Suck it, Jobu!”
Eddie Harris, P, Cleveland Indians – God loves Eddie because Eddie won’t allow bullshit voodoo in Jesus’ clubhouse no matter how bad Cerrano could have totally messed him up.
I think is actually breaking a comandment
Dwight Howard, C, Orlando Magic - Dwight Howard has developed a bit of a god-complex of his own recently. He wore a Superman cape to the dunk contest last year. He apparently also wore a cape to a game earlier this month. Aside from that, he talked a lot about changing the image of the NBA when he first entered the league. He said that he wanted to be known for his strong Christian values and whatnot. He seems like a pretty upstanding player in the league. You never hear any trouble about him. Although, he did recently have a child out of wedlock with an ex-Magic dancer. I don’t think God likes it when you have bastard children, Dwight.
Too bad He doesn’t like “your kind”
Kaka, Midfielder-
Regularly wears a shirt that proclaims “I belong to Jesus”, although his current club AC Milan would beg to differ. When Manchester City attempted to acquire Kaka, Milan demanded a nearly $150 million transfer fee which would have easily been the highest in football soccer history. I wonder what they will charge Jesus?
Clearly we couldn’t name them all, so name some of your favorites in the comments!