Ever snicker at foreigners when you see them wearing soccer jerseys with corporate logos galore on the chest and sleeves? Ever giggle when you see NASCAR fans sporting jackets that look more like a mall directory than sports clothing? The NFL may be next!
Last week at the NFL Owners Meetings, the business ventures committee began to explore the possibility of adding sponsor’s logos to jerseys. Here at Pyle of List we figure that if you’re going to put sponsors on jerseys, you might as well do it right and allow companies to sponsor individual players. Imagine the possibilities. Peyton Manning’s jersey space will be worth more than exclusive pictures of him canoodling naked with Kenny Chesney.
Here are a few of the possibilities we came up with. Share yours in the comments.
Jay Cutler & Zoloft
The drug of choice for depressed suburban kids is a match made in emo heaven for everyone’s favorite melancholy QB, Jay Cutler. Who’s a better role model for the over-medicated generation than one of their own? Plus his inclusion means that Zoloft can appeal to the coveted diabetes-friendly market.
TO & Public Storage
Now that Terrell Owens has signed a one year contract with the Buffalo Bills, he seems destined to continue bouncing around from team to team. I doubt he will last longer than two seasons on any team for the rest of his career. Everyone knows it’s a huge headache to move a king size water bed more than once. Those giant sectional leather couches with integrated Laz-Boy recliners are a sciatica problem waiting to happen too. I bet he’d be willing to shill for Public Storage if they gave him free storage for the rest of his career until he can find a place to settle down.
Donte Stallworth & GE Headlights
DUI and manslaughter are no joking matters, but saying that you flashed your headlights as your excuse / initial defense is. Donte’s driving reminds me of his route running… fast in absolutely one direction. Okay, I’m done.
Bob Sanders & Blue Cross Blue Sheild
Tough economic times are causing some to even cancel their health insurance. But companies like Blue Cross Blue Shield need a spokesman that can remind the public that you can get hurt any time. Since it seems like Sanders is running into injury problems more often than Mr. Bill, he seems like a good fit to us.
Brady Quinn & the Abbey
Lots of famous athletes go on to open their own restaurants, but I don’t know if anyone has ever just been a spokesman for one. Quinn could be a pioneer, while also letting people of his, uh, “persuasion” know where to go on a Friday night when they need martinis and loud dance music.
Plaxico Burress & the NRA
With Chuck Heston now clutching his six shooters in his cold, dead hands, this group of “freedom fighters” needs someone else to step up to the plate. And who better than Plaxico, whose bravery won a small battle for the small man against the rising force of our own legs. I mean, if we don’t do something, our own legs are going to start taking jobs from us, polluting our ideals, and poisoning our children. Oh, that’s right, I’m on to you, legs!
Ricky Williams & Doritos
Let’s be honest…this would probably be the first guy to sign a pretty lucrative deal since all the snack food brands would be attempting to sign Ricky. In the end, an offer of free Doritos for life could probably be enough to secure some space on Ricky’s shoulder. But the joke would be on the Doritos folks. You can wipe out a whole bag before you know it sometimes….right Ricky.
Tim Tebow & God
And on this day… God created Timmy. God, the one booster the NCAA can’t control, has sent his son to Gainesville to lead them to the promised land (over and over again). So when Mr. Tebow delivers another inspired post-game speech reminiscent of the speech after their home loss to Mississippi, don’t be shocked… His passion is fueled by the Alpha and Omega. Move over Jesus.
Reggie Bush & E!
Is Reggie more famous for what he has done on the NFL football field, or who he’s done off the field? His professional career has been largely disappointing in his first three years. But, in his spare time, he’s laid conquest to one of the E! Network’s current cash cows. Yeah, the conquest may have been Ray J’s sloppy, very sloppy, seconds. But can’t you just picture Joel McHale having a field day with E!’s sponsorship of Reggie?
Ray Lewis & Darrin’s Dance Grooves
Wanna see two guys nearly a decade past their prime capitalize on the success of others? Then the Ray-Ray edition of Darrin’s Dance Grooves is for you. Watch as Darrin shows you how to jump on top of a pile and celebrate like you were just acquitted of murder. There’s also the classic seizure dance to spice up any introduction. To order, call 1-800-4Ray-Ray.
This is a horrible development indeed. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. May God have mercy on our souls.