[Interior of Doyers clubhouse, a sports blogger paces in front of the members of the LA bullpen. He wears sweatpants that he has cut into shorts and a white t-shirt which has 'Doyers' written on the front and 'KERSHAW!1!, #22' on the back in Sharpie.]
Gentlemen, this has to end. I can no longer stand by and watch you continually destroy all that My Boy KERSHAW!1! has worked to build. This makes you two for two on bed shittings this year. Last time, I let it slide. It was early in the season and I figured you would right yourself and I wouldn’t have to step in. That clearly is not the case.
I blame myself, actually. I obviously haven’t conveyed to you all how important it is to preserve the gems that KERSHAW!1! unearths from the ground. I mean, how can you expect someone to pull their own heads out of their ass? They’re the ones that got their heads stuck up there in the first place!
Last night was the worst of it. KERSHAW!1! and his beautiful smile threw 7 innings of one-hit ball. He only walks one and sets a personal record with 13 Lembecks. 13! Then Kuo comes in and…well, I don’t like to make light of past tragedies, but he Pearl Harbor’d the shit of the game! What’s that, Kuo isn’t even Japanese? Shut it, Broxton, that’s not the point!
The point is, that I have to find a new way to motivate you men. And here it is-
There is a man perched atop the roof of Chavez Ravine. He is highly trained and a True Blue fan. He has been instructed to take down each and every one of you that blows it for Clayton from here on out. You have officially been put on notice.
Now let’s see some hustle out there!