With the NFL season just around the corner, I figured it would be a good time to get to know some of the players a little closely. As always, learning something is easiest when you relate it to something you already know.
Like high school archetypes. We’ve all seen the movies and TV shows that have defined what it’s sterotypically like to go to high school. Some of us even lived those stereotypes. Now we’ll venture to match some NFL stars up with those character types we’ve all come to know an love. Enjoy!
Mike Dexter – Can’t Hardly Wait
The A-Hole Jock – Phillip Rivers
We’ll start off easy. This guy never takes off his letterman jacket, unless it’s to pick on someone less cool than him. Everyone thinks he’s really a dick but no one has the guts to tell him to his face.
John Bender – The Breakfast Club
The Bad Boy – Ray Lewis
There seem to be more obvious choices (Vick, Plax, Pacman) but when you really think about it, Lewis is the guy. The difference between him and the other guys is that I think people are legitimately afraid of him. It’s all due to that rumor that he stabbed a guy behind the 7-11 after school one time.
Brian Johnson – The Breakfast Club
The Nerd – Eli Manning
This poor guy just can’t seem to win. His clothes are out of style, his skin refuses to clear up, and no one will go to prom with him. It’s okay, just like a true nerd, he’ll make immensly more money than his classmates in the long run.
Random Asian Guy – American Pie
The Asian – Hines WardJust too pelfect.
Ricky Fitts – American Beauty
The Goth/Emo Kid – Jay Cutler
Old Mopey McMoperson here can be found sitting in remote corners of the school, writing poems about all the pain the world heaps upon them. Despite the propensity to wear eyeliner, should not be confused with Drama Club Kid. Speaking of which…
Rand Posin and Epiphany Sellars – Hamlet 2
Drama Club Kid – Terrell Owens
Ugh, just shut up already. Why do drama kids always have to be talking? Probably because they love attention. Either way, no one really likes this guy and certainly aren’t going to come to his “improv jam” after school.
Jeff Spicoli – Fast Times at Ridgemont High
The Stoner - Ricky Williams
“What’s up, bro? You want to play some foot bag or something? Grab a veggie burrito? Niiiiiiice.”
Billy Bob – Varsity Blues
The Fat Guy Party Animal – Lendale White
Looking for the party? Look no further, as this guy IS the party. Even we’re all worried about him having a heart attack before 40, we still cheer him on when he sees if he can eat a Big Mac in one bite. Sometimes he tries to change his partying/fat guy ways, but come on, if he had any willpower, he wouldn’t be Fat Guy Party Animal.
Wooderson – Dazed and Confused
The Creepy Old Guy That Graduated But Hasn’t Moved On – Brett Favre
“Wow, this party is awesome! Wait, didn’t that guy graduate like 5 years ago? What’s he doing here? Man, I hope I’m never as pathetic as that guy!”
Amanda – Can’t Hardly Wait
The Prettiest Girl in School – Brady Quinn
His lip gloss is poppin’, his lip gloss is cool. All the boys be jockin’, they chase him after school.
Brainstorming:
Tom Brady = Ferris Bueller
Tony Gonzales = Slater
Tony Dungy = Guidance Counselor who seems genuine on first impression but becomes annoying and sad
Steve McNair = anyone killed in a High School set Horror film
Albert Haynesworth = Washington (Fast Times)
I know you already pegged Eli, but I got the Mannings as the Frog Brothers (Edgar and Alan, Lost Boys)
Pyle of list? Pyle of shit is more like it…
Aw, cmon, Brikz. You’re better than that.
Sorta…
chad johnson/ ocho-cinco- lisa turtle (saved by the bell)
- always whining, drama, arrogant, and materialistic.
funny stuff
don’t listen to shitbrikz.
great comparisons
Can’t hardly wait characters = awesome
What would Peyton Manning be? The Valedictorian?
Rivers is the A-Hole jock? Nawh, I’d say Joey Porter
Do some research boys. Rivers is one of the nicest guys in the NFL. Weak, inaccurate stereotype.
PHILIP RIVERS IS RIGHT ON!!!! NOBODY outside of San Diego and 2% of North Carolina likes that guy. What a schmuck! He’ll never win a ring anyway.
Pretty lame. A lot of these are interchangeable. Next!
I was teasing you of course Lampy. You know I love you…in the ass.
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