CARROLL THE SORCERER: Listen not to the media, my young apprentice. And dismiss the statistics that highlight your errors while ignoring your youthful exuberance. These should be none of your concern for I have gazed deep into my magical cauldron and have foreseen that you will be a great one, which is why I have named you starting quarterback for the USC Trojans.
BARKLEY THE APPRENTICE: I will not let you down, oh great one. I will neglect nothing and will work harder than ever. And above all, I will not let the title thou has bestowed upon me to get to my head.
FIVE MINUTES LATER…
BARKLEY THE APPRENTICE: Damn, I knew this would be easy, but not THIS easy. It’s like I’m in control of their defense. I can do anything I want with these fools.
AFTER THE GAME…
BARKLEY THE APPRENTICE: I am the greatest quarterback in the history of history! Nothing can stop me, not man or beast. Nor even my total disregard for the unhealthy inflammation of my own ego.
ONE WEEK LATER…
BARKLEY THE APPRENTICE: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Where the hell did all these guys come from? Why aren’t they doing what I command? When will it end? I’m drowning in a metaphorical sea of my own creation!
AFTER BEING BLINDSIDED BY AN OSU LINEBACKER…
BARKLEY THE APPRENTICE: I feel…strangely…euphoric. I see…a vision. The most beautiful thing…anyone has ever seen.
