You know what I’d like to see. Major League Softball. Let’s face it. There are certain players around these days that are looking for the long ball and that’s about it. Hey there’s nothing wrong with that. There are also certain players that look like they have let themselves go a little bit. Hey, that’s cool. And furthermore I would like to offer you a spot on my new softball team. Beer between innings, juiced bats, and a lot less running. Sound good? Good. And here is your starting line up.
The outfield
Now in softball we rock four outfielders. Is it because you can place the ball with deadly accuracy? Nope. Less running. That is why the outfield does not need range. Welcome to the field please Vlad Guerrero, Manny Ramirez, Andruw Jones, and Ken Griffey Jr. These guys have embraced the all or nothing nature of softball. If it ain’t a homerun, don’t run too hard. Defense? What is that? They have all maintained the power numbers and the waistlines of true softball players. Vlad would be the star based on his sheer inability to take a walk. Subs: Matt Stairs. Obvious.
The infield
Now first base has so many choices. Top three are Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, and because I said so, Jim Thome. I’m actually going with Thome on this one. There’s plenty of room for the old folks on the softball field. Plus the other two actually get hits that don’t go over the fence. So I guess if Jim can’t make it we can call the kids out to play.
Second base is tough. There aren’t a whole lot of fat power hitters at this position. So I’m going to have to call up Jeff Kent outta retirement. Nothing like a guy with a CHP mustache and the look that barely conceals the racism.
The shortstop is usually the most athletic guy on the field, so I guess he’s allowed to be young and in shape. I’m going with Tulowitzki. He leads all short stops with 24 HR’s and is number two in RBI’s. Aside from that I hope he’s got a sense of humor. The short stop has to be the funny one.
Ok, Third base. Miguel Cabrera has been playing first for most of the season, but he started at third and since defense doesn’t really matter, let’s just throw him right back over there and let guys try to pull line drives right at his face. Quick feet Miguel.
Now just in case you want to go co-ed you’re gonna need a girl or two. Benjie Molina ought to do it. Why? Because the catcher is almost always you’re worst player.
Last but not least, pitchers. Hands down it’s gotta be Big Z. Zambrano has the long ball working for him, he has the physique of a true beer leaguer, and he’s a big enough jerk that he would be the guy that everyone in the league hates. And every league has that guy….
So feel free to come out and watch my team crush their way to the championship. Just don’t park in the outfield lot. Trust me.