Hey folks, Brandon Marshall here.
NFL wide receivers, I get it. The millions you are currently making just aren’t cutting it. But that stupid owner upstairs just isn’t giving you the respect (i.e. new giant contract) that you deserve. We’ve all been there. But rather than contribute for that miserable turd of a franchise that would dare disrespect you, why not just get out of dodge? Request a trade! Didn’t work? Well, don’t worry, we’re not about to leave you high and dry (unlike that selfish prick of an owner. You just know he’s making more than you and catching less TDs!).
Here are 10 fool-proof ways to get yourself dismissed from that team, and available to be overpaid by another (most likely the Redskins or Cowboys). It’s the only strategy of it’s kind with Brandon Marshall’s 100% money back guarantee!* Enjoy!
(* guarantee void in all 50 US states)
1. Fake Being A Gay - Listen, I’m as liberal as the next brother that likes to hit a woman, but even I don’t want to share a locker room with a guy who’s going to want to make sure I’m not a tight end. Start subtle, like painting your fingernails the team colors. Then gradually progress forward along the gay spectrum until you’re dancing naked in front of your locker to the Jonas Brothers every day before (and after) practice.
2. Punt a Puppy – I had to learn the hard way that kicking a ball when you’re not supposed to won’t get you the contract you want, it’ll only get you a two week suspension. But everyone both loves puppies and hates punters, so I figure combining those two things will get you the desired result fast and effectively!
3. The Brett Favre - This guy has it down. All you gotta do is retire. Sit around all off season. Then some team will come knocking on your door and begging you to come back. If it works for a guy who just filed for social security, then it should work for us young studs as well. Be sure to keep the interest up by leaking text messages and getting caught throwing a ball around in the press.
4. The Michael Phelps - Now this one is a little tricky. You have to get yourself “caught” taking a hit off a bong. I know the parties that Randy Moss and Ricky Williams throw usually have pretty good security so you’ll have to get creative. The down side is you will lose your endorsements. But don’t worry, it’ll only be for about 6 months and then you get to do Subway commercials with that Jared guy.
5. The Jim Henson – I’m not big on the arts & crafts shit, but the fun you can have with this one is worth it. Get some strings and fuzz and whatever, then throw it all together with some glue to make one of those Muppet puppets. (Or if you’re really lazy just throw some bling on a sock.)
Then whenever you want to lay into the coach in team meetings, just duck behind your chair, hold up Clarence (that’s my puppet’s name), and talk with him. What really sells it is when you crawl out from behind your chair and stare slack-jawed at your own hand and cry, “Clarence, why you say that?”
6. The Michael Scott – This is another fun way to bust up those boring team meetings. (I swear, if I hear there’s no “I” in “team” one more time, I’m gonna put one in there somehow.) Just insert a “that’s what she said” (or, my personal take on it, “that’s what yo mama said”) after anything the coach says that can be about sex. But don’t just sit around waiting for it to happen. Lead the coach along with ridiculous questions like, “If the cornerback falls down on a play should I stop right there or should I always go deep?” If your coach is as stupid as mine, he’ll fall for it every time.
7. The Vince McMahon- I dreamed this one up while driving through stoplights naked, but it takes too much patience for me to pull off. Feel free to DIY, just give me a shout-out. First, talk to the media as little as possible and play amazingly, establishing that you are the go-to guy in tense situations. Next, make it to the Super Bowl, then wait until the game is on the line. Catch a pass and run for the game-winning TD, but stop inches short of the endzone. Now turn around and run the other way. The opposing team is now blocking for you. (You had better worked this all out in advance of else it ain’t working.) Run back to your own endzone and “fumble” the ball to someone on the other team so they can score and win the game.
Then rip off your jersey to show you are actually wearing their jersey underneath. This will make you a huge villain in the eyes of your team and fans, but just think of all the money you’ll make when the league starts selling rip-away jerseys with your name on them.
8. The Phil Jackson- My man Phil has no shame. Not only does he get his checks cut by Jerry Buss.. he bangs dude’s daughter… bad hip and all. Here’s the raunchy twist… you have to get caught drilling the coach’s daughter (or wife) (or both) on his office desk. If you’re not suspended or dead, you’d be one lucky son of a gun.
9. The Michael Winslow- Oh yes… We all remember the “voice / sound impersonator guy” from Police Academy. The key to pissing your coach and team off is actually not being as talented as Michael Winslow. You have to be blatantly obvious when acting like you’re calling your coach a clueless dickhead over a ‘staticy’ CB radio. If you’re actually talented in mimicking voices, you could repeat the opposite of everything your coach is saying in a film session. Yeah, that’ll show’em.
10. The Weekend At Bernie’s- Remember that movie where those two guys drag their dead cracker-ass boss around pretending that he’s still alive? You better respect Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy, woman! Anyway, I’m gonna have Eddie Royal drag my ass around the field and create a situation where I’m alive, pretending I’m dead with someone else pretending I’m alive.