Every weekend there are lots of football games that are blowouts by halftime. And in some cases it’s clear that the losing team just doesn’t have what it takes to get the job done. Or even make it close.
So what’s the losing coach supposed to do during halftime? Sure, he could dish out a riveting motivational speech that he’s been working on, but why waste it on a game he’s clearly not going to win? He might need it in another situation where he actually has a chance.
That leaves a dilemma; how else can he pass the time during halftime? Here are some possibilities:
THE SALES PITCH
If you’re a college coach getting blow out by a far superior opponnent, there’s a chance your school accepted a massive check to come play a much better school, in which case you shouldn’t feel quite so ba about the ass-whooping you are receiving. But if you keep looking too pathetic, those schools might think you’re too much of a pushover and pass you over. (No worries if you live in the SEC area.) So you can use this time to partice ways to pitch your school as decent competition, such as highlighting your net punting average.
If you’re an NFL coach or a premiere college coach, there’s no good excuse for what’s happened (and what’s going to continue to happen in the 2nd half). Since you might be out of a job soon, you should pratice being an actual salesman, be it with used cars or home owners’ insurance. Your players are good practice because they are required to listen to you, after all. Sure, it’s easy fodder, but if you can’t keep them interested in your description of a revolutionary new blender, what chance do you think you have with Susie Q. Homemaker?
THE A CAPELLA REHEARSAL
You never really wanted to be a football coach. It’s just what your daddy did and his dad before him. But there’s no way you could have told your father about your dream of being a choir director and lived to tell about it. So while you may have to continue the day to day drudgery of football, at least you can achieve a little bit of your life’s goal by teaching the team harmony and melody. Plus, people get a kick out of seeing athletes, especially big hefty ones, sing.
And if you’re really into it, you can even choreograph a dance too. What better way for a team to come together?
THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE
Brains always beat brawn, right? Well, not on the football field. Lucky for you, you aren’t on the field anymore, you’re in the locker room. So why not work together as a team on something you actually have a chance of winning? There’s a great satisfaction in actually finishing a crossword puzzle, and being able to share that with your team is something truly special.
You can also tell who on your team is a complete idiot by listening for totally insane suggestions that are shouted out. If you have a lot of those coming from different people, then maybe that’s why you’re losing.
TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME THE OTHER TEAM IS
When you watch a movie where the hero slaughters hundreds of henchmen before taking out the main villain in a totally kick-ass way, you don’t sit around afterward chatting with your friends about how sad it was all those guys had to die and how their families are going to feel about it. Of course, that’s because you weren’t one of the people being slaughtered. So in order to enjoy a discussion about the great throws and amazing catches the other team had, you just have to distance yourself from the situation and pretend like you just watched a movie.
REPEAT A SPEECH FROM A MOVIE
Speaking of movies, sports movies always have great half-time speeches. And more often that not, the team comes back to win. That’s definitely not going to happen in your case, but it will give you a chance to polish your amateur acting chops and have fun with the athletes.
Memorize a speech verbatim, cadence and everything. Then look around as you talk to see if anyone seems to recognize it. If someone interrupts with, “Hey Coach, isn’t that-” cut them off and just smile, letting them in on the joke.
The key will be to deliver the speech with passion instead of laughing at how ridiculous it is. If more than half the people are pumped up when you finish the speech, you win. (Bonus points if you can pull off this speech with a straight face.)
PLAY DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE!
Because no matter how old you are, it’s still fun.