Unless he’s stricken down by a Biblical plague (a mere mortal flu won’t keep him down), Tim Tebow is going to break the SEC record for rushing touchdowns in a career that’s been held for over 20 years by Herschel Walker. As far as I know, Walker hasn’t commented on this. At least not with his mouth. But with the rest of his body, he’s responded by preparing to kick some ass.
Walker has signed with Strikeforce to compete in MMA (Mixed Martial Arts). If you’re wondering how the hell old he is, that’s a very good question. He’s 47.
To put that into perspective, imagine that Brett Favre announced this week that he’s retiring before next week’s game. It’s not that hard, is it? Now the hard part. Imagine that, for the most part, he stayed out of the national spotlight for the next EIGHT YEARS. And then, if he announced 8 years from today that he was going to compete in MMA, he would STILL be younger than Herschel Walker is right now.
To be fair, MMA has been an interest of Walker’s for quite some time, and he’s trained regularly in the sport, even going back to his football days. Still, it’s a surprising announcement for many when you consider his age and his high profile.
So it got us thinking, what other athletes, both retired and current, would we like to see in MMA? Whether we think they’d bring a unique fighting style or just want to see them get way-laid, here are our choices.
JOHN STOCKTON
John Stockton (or Jock Stohnton, as I like to call him), NBA record-holder in career assists, will only become a part of MMA accidentally. He’ll be treating his good buddy to the match, just for being a great friend. But on his way back from buying them some sodas, an announcement will come that they need someone down at the floor to help get this show going, since one of the fighters hasn’t shown up. Always willing to lend a hand, John jogs down and jumps into the cage.
He reaches out to hold the volunteer fighter’s jacket for him, only to discover that he IS the volunteer fighter. Somehow he is able to hold the guy’s arms behind his back, but no one comes over to punch him in the stomach.
Things do not end well for John, but fortunately he is able to donate lots of blood to the Red Cross.
DAVID ECKSTEIN
You want scrappy? Well he’s got scrappy in spades! No fighter will electrify the crowd and draw rave reviews for pundits quite like Eckstein. And while his won/loss record will make Kimbo look like a god by comparison, his popularity with suburban America will help propel the sport to new heights. But good luck finding someone in his weight class.
LEBRON JAMES
King James attempts to be King of the Ring. I would just love to see all the physical gifts that Lebron has put to the test. He definitely has the size and speed to be able to keep up with people in the octagon. Plus, I really like the idea of forcing him to stand next to the guy to hear the decision, even after he’s lost. Forced sportsmanship is better than poor sportsmanship any day.
TIGER WOODS
If nothing else, he’ll be prepared. He definitely has the focus and dexterity. And just look at those guns!
But in reality, he’s like a skinny kid on the playground. That won’t end well. UNLESS, that skinny kid makes the bully afraid of him someone. By being totally crazy. If you look into Tiger’s eyes, you can see an uncontrollable rage hiding just beneath the surface. In the cage, this rage could easily be handled by even an amateur MMA fighter. But what happens when Tiger shows up at your house in the dead of night, using his ninja skills and his golf clubs to wreck havoc on you and your loved ones?
It’s better to just throw the fight and let Tiger come from behind to win like he always does. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
TOM BRADY
He doesn’t have too much left to accomplish in the world of football. And to offset some of the homo-erotic photos he’s taken over the years, Tom will step into the ring. Sadly, without Bill Belichick making the calls and a bunch of guys around to make him look good, Tommy gets stomped for having bad mobility and no governing body willing to re-write the rule book to protect him. But he’ll keep getting fights ’cause of high ratings. Let’s face it, what guy wouldn’t want to watch the pretty boy get punched in the face repeatedly.
LEGARRETTE BLOUNT
This kid is primed to enter the UFC already. The way he laid out Boise State’s Byron Hout. Sucker punch? Maybe. But a dirty punch to us is just the element of surprise that could make this kid successful. Plus if you’re too troubled for football then you aren’t going to have a whole lot of career options open to you. Besides, Kimbo got his start by showing his knock outs on Youtube. LeGarrette is just the next in line.
ICHIRO SUZUKI
Look, we know the guy can hit a baseball. But, the question is could he ‘strike’? Well, the answer to that question is as plain as the slants in his eyes. The dude is Japanese!
Fact: In Japan a baby must cut his own umbilical cord with a Karate chop or he is made into sukiyaki that the father must eat out of shame.
Fact: Handjobs are outlawed in every truck stop in the Land of the Rising Sun because in Japan, the hand is used as a knife.
Fact: Japanese people do have souls, but they are as dark as 11:59.
Fact: Japanese women have horizontal vaginas. (I know that last one doesn’t have anything to do with Ichiro but I think it’s important to note)
The guy is OCD committed to his craft, he has speed on the diamond, and with all the stretching he does in game, we know he’s flexible – what makes you think that won’t translate to the cage? As a kid, his dad made him build strength and stamina by hurling car tires and hitting Wiffle balls with a heavy shovel. The guy knows how to train.
Are you telling me you wouldn’t want to see him Crane Kick Eckstein in his stupid face? If they didn’t give him an interpreter in interviews he’d sound like a young Miyagi. We could all use a little more Miyagi in our lives.
And as a bonus - if he lost, there is a chance that he would cut off his own pinky, Yakuza style, in the cage.
ELI MANNING
Eli Manning is never going to get the respect he deserves. First of all, he’s Peyton’s little brother and will forever reside in his shadow. He also never seems to do anything on purpose, as his best plays always seem like some kind of accident or serendipitous occurrence he always seems to be present for a la a positive Final Destination. It’s like he can’t help but be a good QB, no matter how little he tries, because of his genes. Even if he leads his team down the field for a go ahead score, he doesn’t get any sort of respect. But this cannot be an accident because it continues to happen. So I wonder if Eli Manning could translate that same sort of seemingly accidental success to MMA. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if he knocked out Brock Lesnar with a half-hearted elbow.