“LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!“
-Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey) in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Back when this movie came out, could you ever have imagined this man would be nominated for an Oscar? Oh…wait. He hasn’t, even though…well, that’s a whole different beef. Let’s talk about football.
The age old question: is it possible to be a loser even though you win? I’d like to see how an Iowa fan would answer that. Probably with a cry of “scoreboard!” that attempts to cover the fragile psyche they’ve been carrying around since needing two blocked field goals to beat Northern Iowa.
Then there’s the possibility that an undefeated team could see the team it beat play for a national championship instead of it. Sounds like “The Twilight Zone,” but it’s real.
That and more, including my rankings and predictions, lie below. Currently I’m 46-14. But I just picked three upsets.
#7 Iowa: Last week I said Iowa was taking “winning ugly” to an entirely new level. The Hawkeyes laughed in my face like an old man with wrinkles upon wrinkles, missing teeth, gnarled moles, and dirty faded tattoos saying, “You think THIS is ugly, just wait,” and then ripped the skin of its face off to reveal the veins and muscles underneath.
If that mental picture is disturbing, it’s nothing compared to actual footage of their game with Indiana. It is, however, a little too intense to describe my current feelings about this team. They have no chance of making it into the National Championship game if the teams above them don’t lose, and if they make the Rose Bowl only to get blown out by a PAC-10 team, it will be the same story from the past few years, just with different actors.
Still, this team is INFURIATING. The best analogy that finds a mix between “no real effect on college football” and “driving me up the wall” is that they are like a little kid sitting next to me on a couch continually poking me, but only every three minutes or so. The pokes don’t hurt, and they aren’t frequent enough to make me yell at him. But it’s slowly driving me insane.
And before any whiny Iowa fan says, “Doesn’t our team deserve some credit for coming back from 21-7 and scoring four 4th quarter touchdowns?” let me tell you, the answer is NO. Iowa was only able to score so much and so quickly because Indiana is a terrible team. So the real question is, WHY WERE THEY DOWN TO INDIANA 21-7? The answer: because Iowa is a mediocre team at best.
I need to stop talking about them before I go insane. The perfect script would be for them to go into the Shoe undefeated and get blown out. But Iowa has no followed a script at all. They don’t even know their lines. So I think they are going to lose to Northwestern. And not in the “finally getting what’s been coming to them” way. I think they are somehow going to play a great game, that if you look at later, you wonder how they could have lost. It’s the only just way.
Winner: Northwestern
#6 Boise State: Their win against Oregon looks a lot more impressive now. Yet the Ducks are above them in some computer polls and could very well jump them in the human polls before long. In fact, I saw a scenario putting the Ducks in the National Title game that wasn’t that far-fetched (Iowa loses to Ohio State, TCU loses to Utah, Cincinnati loses to Pittsburgh, and, the least likely Texas loses to A&M). This takes for granted two things:
1. The SEC runner-up would fall below Oregon. I believe that because the voters nor the public wants to see a rematch of a game that just happened.
2. Oregon jumps Boise State if both keep winning. This will probably happen, and I want to stand up right now and scream WHAT THE HELL?!
The comparison I keep reading about is how Oklahoma wound up jumping Texas last year despite the head-to-head result. But this case is drastically different for two reasons.
1. Boise State COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN Oregon’s rushing attack. Texas beat Oklahoma by around the same score last year (10 points versus 11), but not nearly in the same fashion. And Boise State can hardly be faulted for not scoring enough on a Duck defense that’s been pretty stingy lately.
2. Texas and Oklahoma had the same record. Generally head-to-head should win out in that case, but there was a third party in the mix that made it complicated. There’s nothing complicated here. In fact, Boise State would be UNDEFEATED while Oregon would have one loss TO THEM. How can you rank the Ducks above them?
I know Boise State’s schedule is pretty terrible, and they’re being punished for that by virtue of the fact that every other team would have to finish with one loss (and many with two) to get them to the title game. But you can’t put Oregon in it over them. A one-loss Texas team, sure. But not a one-loss team that they beat. Would people actually stand for that? If I was a Boise State fan and that happened, I would stage a protest in Pasadena.
But before they can start picketing, Boise State needs to win out, starting with Louisiana Tech tonight. They will.
Winner: Boise State
#5 Cincinnati: I don’t necessarily think they could beat all the other teams on this list (though they would give them all a game), but they have definitely been the most consistent. Other than an 8-point victory over the always feisty Fresno State and a 10-point win over a good Oregon State team, every win has been by at least three scores, even though two were played with the backup QB.
Unfortunately for them, three of their four games left are against pretty good competition, starting with UConn tomorrow. Don’t let the 4-4 record fool you. The Huskies have had two 4-point losses, a 3-point loss, and a 2-point loss, all to pretty good teams.
If Pike plays, I think he’ll be rusty. If he doesn’t, I think the backup will finally have a bad game. Plus, UConn is overdue for an emotional victory after all the heartbreak they’ve been dealing with.
Winner: UConn
#4 TCU: You could ask them to schedule tougher competition (though they should get credit for scheduling two BCS opponents, even if they were Virginia and Clemson), but you couldn’t ask them to beat mediocre competition more thoroughly. 41-0 win where they outgained their opponent by more than 400 yards. Ever since their scare against Air Force, they’ve beaten opponents by a combined score of 123-13.
In public, any coach would tell you that they’re a good team and would be a challenge to go up against. In private, they’d cry into their pillow at the prospect of being matched up against them, especially if their team is from a supposedly superior BCS conferences.
Expect TCU to lay more smack down on San Diego State tomorrow.
Winner: TCU
#3 Alabama
Is the Tide turning? Has the Tide finally gone out? What other tired expressions can I use that somewhat involved the word “Tide?” Tune in next week for the answers.
Florida’s defense won the game for them when they played the LSU, but the Tigers won’t get beat the same way twice. Bama has got to get into the endzone, probably twice (yes, twice in the same game). The easy way would be to get the passing game going. The tough way would be to put the ball in Ingram’s hands come hell or high water and let him destroy himself in this game in the name of a Tide victory.
One thing’s for sure. Bama won’t win this game without scoring at least 14 points. And right now, I don’t feel comfortable betting on their offense.
Winner: LSU
#2 Florida: Tebow’s back! At least, that’s what everyone is saying. Sure, a two passing touchdown/two rushing touchdown game is great, but a few other quarterbacks had that over the weekend and have done it on a more consistent basis this year. Back when Tebow won the Heisman, these kinds of games were routine. The fact that everyone is hyping it so much means he’s been underperforming. But thanks to all the PR for breaking Walker’s rushing TD record, Tebow’s back in th Heisman race.
Meanwhile, they play Vanderbilt without Brandon Spikes. I’ll give the guy some credit for benching himself, but that eye gouge was just straight dirty. I’m sure stuff like that (or worse) happens at the bottom of piles all the time, but that doesn’t make it right.
Regardless, Florida could let Spikes eye gouge their whole team, and they’d still win this game.
Winner: Florida
#1 Texas: Central Florida? Really? We’re in the last full month of the season and Texas is playing a non-conference cupcake? (The Longhorns did have to rally in the fourth quarter to win by 3 the last time they played this team, but still.) They have Baylor the following week, but they can’t be blamed for having to play a team in conference.
I don’t like these types of teams being on schedules at all, but at least front-load it. It’s not fun for anyone else in college football if a team that’s battling for the national championship is playing Podunk United. And just when they had gained so much momentum and cemented themselves (in my mind at least) as the #1 team.
They aren’t the only guilty ones because Florida has Florida International and Bama has freaking Chatanooga coming up. But we’re talking about this week right now.
Winner: Texas