The main difference between Thanksgiving and Christmas is that at Thanksgiving there’s no gift opening segment to cut the often palpable tension that’s hovering over the dinner table. Without being able to laugh as the youngest kids happily open their battery-operated crap, there’s a much more likely chance that Aunt Edna will finally tell off Uncle Bill for stealing her stash of pot back in high school.
Many families have some sort of tradition, something for them to do so they don’t just sit around and yell at each other. For some, this involves sports of some kind, and given that it’s the fall, it’s often a “friendly” touch football game. The problem, as we all know, is that sports are the perfect venue for that unstable friend in our lives to go off on someone for something. Add in all the family drama that’s boiling just beneath the surface, and instead of a sweet family comedy montage moment, you’re more likely to get THIS.
So what are you to do when someone in the family starts going all Ron Artest. Here are some ideas.
Feign Injury
This works best if you are covering/being covered by the person who is about to have the meltdown. Get close enough so there’s physical contact but not so close that you actually get hurt. Fall down. Don’t worry if you give up a touchdown. If the tension is at the point where you need to do this, no one will care.
Don’t act like you’re dying in pain or anything, but fake a limp and rub your ankle. If the meltdown person complains about you being hurt, they look like a total jerk and will be called out for their behavior (if they haven’t already). If they switch to the caring/protective mode (more likely if you are their significant other), then it should help them turn off their rage.
And even if this doesn’t solve anything, it gives you a good excuse to go inside, ice your leg, and watch REAL football. But if you use this to get out of interacting with your spouse’s family and they figure it out, you could be in real trouble.
Act Silly
This works best if you’re on the team of the person who’s taking it way too seriously. Run insane routes. Purposefully fumble the ball into the hands of someone on the other team. Bobble the ball as if you were juggling. And so on and so forth.
If the player legitimately complains about your actions, he/she will rightfully be called a jerk. While it’s still stupid to complain about family members who aren’t that great failing to catch passes/cover people, it’s another entirely to berate someone who’s just having fun with the family.
Use the kid
Every family game has that one kid who wants to play but is just too young. But, because it’s a “family game” you put him on one team. Well, every time you feel yourself getting a little hot over a blown call/assignment, just get the kid the ball. The very next play, either fumble it right by him, throw it his way, or just let him catch the ball and run it in. It’s like a law or something that you have to be glad for the kid’s success, even if he didn’t earn it and it was handed to him. You know, kinda like with retards.
Pull a Pete Rose
You know Uncle Paul has a bit of a gambling problem (that explains him showing up with just a can of pumpkin pie filling), and now is a perfect time to take advantage of it. Put some money on this game…but put it on the other team! Now it’s in your best interest to make sure you lose. Just hope the other side doesn’t catch on and then tries to play even worse. I’ve seen that happen, and it’s not pretty.
“I’ll cover cousin Bambi…”
What level of cousin is she? Not ‘first’, right? Whatever. Doesn’t matter. All you really know is that little cousin Bambi ain’t so little any more. Remember that summer when you were six and she was 5 and you guys would skinny dip in the lake behind her family’s cabin every day and not think twice about it? Well, you sure are thinking twice about it now! If there’s one thing guys care about more than sports it’s boobs. And putting the only decent pair across the line of scrimmage from you is a great way to not care about the scoreboard. [editor's note:Geez, DLamp!] [DLamp's note: What?! Dude, I'm not even 100% sure we're blood related!]
I like the one where the other team tries to play even worst than your team. I bet that would be funny to watch. The kid would be the star!