Tomorrow a football player will be awarded a small statue of a man holding a football and pushing at an invisible defender. It’s not a great indicator of how someone will do in the pros, but it’s not designed to be. It’s also not so much of an indicator of how well someone did during the season as how good their PR rep was and how little they did to screw that up.
This year’s finalists includes 5 people for the first time in awhile, meaning the voting was pretty close. We could look at stats and performances in important games, but I think the best way to decide who gets it should be these made-up facts that I just made up.
Toby Gerhart (RB), Stanford
1. Wrote a fabulous paper entitled “Why I Should Win the Heisman Trophy.” It was 14 pages long, -.5 spaced, and was written in both iambic pentameter and Greek Aramaic.
2. Though he’s smart, he’s conditioned himself to be a beast with the football. So whenever he’s handed something when a crowd is gathered, he starts running until something stops him. The walls of the building will not stop him.
3. Gerhart has friends at Stanford. Stanford grads work for NASA. NASA has lasers that can shoot from space. To summarize: Gerhart can have you killed from outer space.
Mark Ingram (RB), Alabama
1. While he did have a couple of sub-par games, this is because he wasn’t playing the entire game due to helping numerous old ladies cross the street and retrieving their cats from trees.
2. Simply because he’s a running back, and a running back hasn’t won the award since Reggie Bush was good at football.
3. Played so well against Florida that Nick Saban chest-bumped him. This is the equivalent of getting Jim Tressel to blink.
Colt McCoy (QB), Texas
1. A man named Colt McCoy deserves to have this trophy. If he does not win it, he will challenge the winner to a quick-draw.
2. During his acceptance speech, he might tell us the other college football rules he didn’t know, such as you’re not required to whimper while being sacked.
3. To prove he deserved it, he will “throw a ball over those mountains.”
Ndamukong Suh (DT), Nebraska
1. Suh has vowed to truly earn the award by hunting down every Heisman winning quarterback and sacking them. Every Big 12 QB will be sacked twice for good measure.
2. Since his name means “House of Spears,” he will attempt to juggle spears during his acceptance speech. Note that it is not wise to laugh at Suh during this. While he is terrible at juggling, he is very good at throwing spears. (This also applies to those of you watching from the “safety” of your own home.)
3. Listen, and understand. Suh is out there. He can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
Tim Tebow (QB), Florida
1. Now that he has cried, we know that his tears do not cure cancer. However, they do taste great when mixed into salsa.
2. If he wins, he’s offered to sell his eyeblack for advertising space.
3. Has promised to lose his virginity during his acceptance speech. Details are sketchy, but it will involve the Gator Chomp.