So, you’ve decided to take a picture of your penis. Congratulations! You’re now an internet celebrity.
Now that everyone has seen you in all your glory, what is the next step for you and your birthday suit?
Clearly it’s an apology. Rule #1 about showing everyone your schlong is you’ve got to act like you didn’t want it to happen. Nevermind that you texted that cell phone mirror pic to everyone in your contacts. You need to act appalled and ashamed that this got out. And that’s why we’re here. To help ensure that your half-hearted ‘I’m sorry’ clears your good name.
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Step 1: Look at the ground
Everyone knows that when you’re emotional you look at the ground. That’s science, and you can’t argue with science (because it’s not a person). And since the whole point of this apology is to make everyone not be mad at you, you’ve got to look emotional. Biting your bottom lip doesn’t hurt (unless you bite too hard) but is not required.
Step 2: Only refer to the picture as “The Mistake”
Never ever ever say the words ‘picture’ or ‘penis’ or ‘nude’ in the apology. Just acknowledge that you made a mysterious mistake. That way, if anyone hasn’t heard about it yet (yeah, right) they won’t know what you’re talking about, but will appreciate that you’re sorry for it.
Step 3: Pick the perfect pants
Let’s put it this way: When the issue is about your fellow, people’s eye will drift below. (Yeah, it doesn’t rhyme. Whoever said it did?) The last thing you want in this situation is pants so tight that people can see your package. However, you also have to avoid pants that are too loose. You want to look like you’re taking this seriously. Plus you don’t want the folds to make it look like your little buddy is setting up camp.
Step 4: Research penis nicknames
Man has lived on this earth for a long time, and with each passing year, he has developed new names for his schlong. This makes your job difficult because you need to be careful not to use any of them in your speech. You don’t want the reporters to be able to quote you out of context when you make the mistake of emphasizing how you’re a valuable “member” of this “unit.”
Step 5: Apologize to the fans
These are the people that pay your salary…sort of. So you’ve got to make it seem like you really care what you think. Everyone loves an athlete that plays the game for ‘the right reasons’, even though we all secretly know you’re doing it for the millions of dollars. But this move really makes you look like a good guy.
Step 6: Delete all social networking accounts.
The interweb won’t allow you to escape the subject. To avoid snarky facebook wall comments and annoying @-messages on twitter, obliterate the freakin’ accounts. And of course delete twitpic from your mobile phone… that’s what got you in trouble in the first place.
Step 7: Keep being good at your sport
I mean, we all know the fans only care about how you perform on the field/court. Heck, you could kill a guy and still be a fan favorite as long as you’re good (Hi, Ray Lewis!).
Step 8: Don’t make an obscene hand gesture a week later
Apparently this is very frowned upon. But by avoiding this, it allows you to always point and go ‘Hey, at least I’m not that guy!”. Unfortunately, this prevents you from taking part in the Subway ‘$5 Footlong’ promotion.
Step 9: Rehab and/or Charity Work
Hey, if it’s good enough for Tiger, it’s good enough for you.Hey, if it’s good enough for Tiger, it’s good enough for you.
And that’s it! You’re in the clear!
You’re welcome, and I assume this envelope you’ve send us is your check. *opens envelope*
*Sigh* it’s a picture of your dong. Okay, let’s start back at step 1…