The NCAA is a very busy organization, but they always seem to find the time to make terrible decisions (especially where football is considered), such as preventing a player from accepting endorsement money needed to compete in the Olympics in a completely different sport or adding meaningless bowl games that make the post-season feel less like a reward for the teams and more like a punishment for the viewers.
Not content with the royal screw-ups that happened this year in terms of enforcing the “excessive celebration” penalty, they’ve decided to crack down again. Should the proposed rule pass, players who “draw attention to themselves” on the way to the endzone would be penalized from the spot of the foul, thus negating the touchdown.
The exact details are mired in the legalese that’s typical of a corporation as heartless as the NCAA, so I wouldn’t want to subject you to having to read the entire thing. Instead, I’ve perused the new proposal and found the more unique rules up for consideration to ensure that individuals are not singling themselves out above the rest of the team.
*Quarterbacks may not assign one receiver a hot route unless they assign one to every receiver because that just wouldn’t be fair.
*Man-to-man coverage is no longer allowed because if the defender breaks up the pass he will be able to take too much credit.
*After winning a rivalry, bowl, or championship game, head coaches may not pick up the trophy and place it above their heads unless all of the assistant coaches do it along with him.
*All current individual player trophies will be abolished, save for the Heisman Trophy, which will be alerted from its current form to become a monument featuring a representation of every single Division 1-A player.
*Open receivers may not wave their hands, yell at the quarterback, or otherwise make their presence known. Instead, they must rely on their teammates to point them out, thus creating team camaraderie.
*To make sure teams aren’t just letting their best players have the ball all the time, everyone must touch the ball at least once each series. This includes the defense.
*Players may not wear school colors off the field because that might show too much school spirit and upset people who aren’t fans.
*Since it favors one player over the other, the option is no longer allowed. However, two players are allowed to run together while both holding onto the ball.
*Players will no longer wear individual numbers on their jerseys but instead pictures that make no sense unless the entire team stands together to complete the puzzle.
*After scoring a last-second, game-winning touchdown, the player should write an essay about how it made him feel in order to confirm the NCAA’s message that they are students first, athletes second.