March Madness will be starting in just a couple of days, and you might find yourself wondering, what is it that makes it so popular. Is it the bracket pools? The thrill of seeing an underdog become a Cinderella story? The joy of watching a hated team with a high-seed fall flat on its face?
Nope. It’s the name. March Madness. There’s alliteration there, plus March is the only month that also happens to be an action verb (and one that conveys military operations to boot). But really, the key word is “madness,” which is both joyfully absurd and surprisingly accurate in describing the amount of basketball that occurs.
The name is perfect for the event, but it got me wondering. What if the tournament happened in another month? What would it be called then? Well, here are the answers I came up with, in order from my least favorite to my most favorite. (Because alphabetical or chronological would have made too much sense.)
APRIL ACTION: There is a lot of action going on, and this title accurately captures that. The problem with this one is not the word “action” (or whatever else you might want to put there), but rather the month itself. “April” is a girl’s name. So now it sounds like, at best, a terrible name for a kick-ass female character in a summer blockbuster or, at worst, a porn title.
SEPTEMBER SPASM: No real alliteration even though they both start with the same letter. And “spasm,” though it does a fair job of explaining the intense feelings of the tournament, tends to conjure up images of someone in trouble. Though it does describe what you do when some upstart team makes a ridiculous game-winning shot and totally obliterates your bracket.
OCTOBER OUTBURST: It happens all of a sudden, and then it’s gone. Plus, I’ll always associated “Outburst” with that board game where you had to guess the items before the time ran out, where there was always one you couldn’t get, which is about equivalent with the frustration you feel when your Final Four bracket is missing that one team that screwed things up.
JUNE DOOM: This is a (terrible) play on the phrase “June Gloom.” “Doom” sounds too foreboding and not all that crazy. I guess the doom would be that if you don’t win, you don’t get to keep playing.
AUGUST ASSAULT: Another war term, this one is both a battle staged between teams and an assault on the senses.
NOVEMBER NO MERCY: This is going along the same lines as the June Doom one but manages to convey the idea of “you lose, you’re out” without sounding like everyone is going to die. Yes, it’s incredibly cheesy, but that doesn’t preclude it from being fun.
JULY JAMBOREE: Lets you know that something crazy is going on, but it’s FUN crazy, not frightening crazy. Plus, if this really were happening during the summer, people would have big barbecues and pool parties and turn it into a… well, jamboree.
JANUARY JIHAD: At first glance (and multiple glances after that) this is incredibly un-PC. But technically the Arabic translation for “jihad” is “struggle.” And what is this tournament if not a huge struggle? (For teams to keep winning, for fans to watch as much as they can, and for those with no interest whatsoever to avoid having to listen to their friends and coworkers yammer on about brackets and Cinderella stories.)
FEBRUARY FRENZY: Lot of crazy stuff going on, and it sounds like there’s violence involved, but not to an extreme degree. Basically it sounds like something you might not want to directly participate in but would enjoy watching.
DECEMBER DELIRIUM: What’s happening is insane, and you’d be insane not to watch. This one beats out February Frenzy because it has slightly better alliteration.
MAY MAYHEM: All of the fun of March Madness except with more fun. It’s virtually impossible to say this name without sounding like a wrestling announcer, and I think we can all agree that that’s a great thing. They should consider moving the tournament for this name alone.