Over the coming weeks, we’ll be taking a look at each division in baseball and gazing into the future for each club.
Now, we are not experts like the people over at SI. We’re not in locker rooms, not being flown out to spring training facilities to see how prospects and injury recoveries are progressing. So why should you read our preview?
1) It will be funnier (at least I hope)
2) We will make wild, crazy predictions that legitimate sources won’t dare make
3) We’ll talk a little fantasy baseball
4) Pro wrestlers. That’s right, we’ll compare each team to its 90’s pro wrestling counterpart. Spoiler alert: get ready for a Doink the Clown reference, Pirates fans!
We’ve already checked off the AL East, NL East, and AL Central. Today, we take a look at the NL Central, and all the teams living under the tyrannical hand of RoboPujols.
“The streets will flow with the blood of inferior hitters!”
How does this division have 6 teams when the AL West only has 4? You’re telling me the Astros and Rangers are that far apart that we can’t have them both be defined as ‘west’? I call shenanigans!
St. Louis Cardinals – 2009 finish: 1st , 2010 prediction: 1st
The Rub: I know, how brave of me to pick the division champ to repeat. Well, until someone below them gets meaningfully better, they will remain at the top. People are so used to talk about the lineup because the Cards have arguably baseball’s best hitter (Colby Rasmus. Who did you think I was talking about?) but it’s really their pitching that puts them head and shoulders above the rest of the division. Not only do they have two aces showing (Carpenter and Wainwright) but they’ve also got one up their sleeve: Dave Duncan. Not since Leo Mazzone has one man been credit for so much pitching success. You may try to claim that he’s just gotten lucky with some talented pitchers making him look good, but he made Jeff Weaver a stud your argument is invalid.
Crazy Prediction: Tony LaRussa bats his pitcher lead-off. Always one to make crazy managerial moves, LaRussa realizes that the first AB of the game is a waste (“pitcher’s got his best stuff then…”) so he sacrifices his worst hitter at the start of the game, rather than risk him coming up in an RBI opportunity.
Fantasy Scoop: Ryan Franklin saved 38 games last season. That’s just as many as Jonathan Papelbon. Yet Franklin is not one of the first 10 closers off the board. What the what?!
90′s Wrestler: ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin
Stone Cold is often associated with just one move (the Stunner) like the Cards are associated with just one hitter (Pujols). But people often forget that Austin was a great technical wrestler earlier in his career, just like how the Cards have many other players capable of swinging the lumber, most notably Matt Holliday.
Chicago Cubs – 2009 finish: 2nd, 2010 prediction: 4th
The Rub: Aw, remember when people actually thought the Cubs could contend for a World Series? That was cute. Now they’re just a middle of the pack team. Not only are guys like Derek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano getting older by the minute, but there are no young studs waiting to replace them. Felix Pie was the last hot prospect the Cubbies were waiting on, and he never panned out and has since been traded.
Crazy Prediction: Geovany Soto is busted for coke. Everyone is talking about how Soto dropped so much weight in the off-season. I got a hundy that says it’s all due to him switching from the green to the white.
Fantasy Scoop: Zambrano may not be the ace that King Felix or Tiny Tim Lincecum is, but the dude still has some serious skills. His K numbers are very high, and he is reportedly slimmed down and rededicated this year. That means he’s a great value pick late in drafts. ESPN has him so poorly rated that I had to search him out. He was down past some middle relievers I’ve never even heard of.
90′s Wrestler: Sid Justice/Vicious
Because of his size, Sid always had a job near the top of the food chain. Nevermind the fact that he would take time off for softball tournaments and stabbed Arn Anderson with a pair of scissors.The Cubs, because of their large market/fan base, will always be talked about. Even when all they’ve really got is a big boot and a powerbomb in their arsenal. One day, the franchise is going to go so crazy from not winning a world series, that they are going to climb up the turnbuckles and do something crazy. How did that work out for you, Sid?
Milwaukee Brewers – 2009 finish: 3rd, 2010 prediction: 2nd
The Rub: Poor Brewers. They were young and poised to rule this division. Then the Cards got their ‘s’ together and a couple prospects fell through for the Brew Crew and they just can’t get back to the top. They definitely have some upper tier talent (Braun, Fielder, Gallardo) so it wouldn’t be crazy if they made a run at the division, but I just don’t think they have the pitching for it. Outside of Gallardo, they have the freshly signed Randy Wolf (who is probably overpaid, but a decent #2), Manny Parra who has some good stuff but can’t seem to put it to use, and a bunch of middling guys.
Crazy Prediction: Prince Fielder strips at home plate as a part of a home run celebration.
Fantasy Scoop: Don’t be afraid to take a flier on prospect Alcides Escobar. Dude is FAST and will be in the middle of a potent lineup. Very similar to Elvis Andrus last year.
90′s Wrestler: Kamala
Whatever, I just think he looks like Prince Fielder.
Cincinnati Reds – 2009 finish: 4th, 2010 prediction: 5th
The Rub: Everyone is picking the Reds as some sort of sleeper this season. And I can kind of see it. They have some young guys that can really hit in that lineup (Bruce, Votto, Phillips) and they won the Ardolis Chapman sweepstakes…but really? The Reds? With Dusty Baker as a coach? Not happening. Sorry Cincy fans, that’s just the cut and dry of it.
Crazy Prediction: Dusty Baker increases legend, literally breaks Chapman’s arm. Known for riding young pitchers too hard and shortening their careers, Baker takes it to a whole new level.
Fantasy Scoop: I hear rumblings that Drew Stubbs might be Drew STUDS by the end of the year!
90′s Wrestler:The Shockmaster
Watching how this all went down leaves me with the same feeling I get when people talk about the Reds contending: ‘what were you thinking?!’.
Houston Astros – 2009 finish: 5th, 2010 prediction: 3rd
The Rub: Maybe I’m crazy, but I think the Astros put on a big of a surge this year. They still have some real studs on that team (Berkman, Oswalt, Lee) and some legit young talent (Bourne, Pence, Wandy Rodriguez). Everyone is writing them off because they were pretty terrible last year, but I think that they will improve towards their career norms, and the other teams in the division (especially the Cubs and Reds) will take a step back, leaving them open to take 3rd in this division. Now, is getting third place something to brag about? No, but when you’re the Astros, you take what you can get.
Crazy Prediction: Craig Biggio comes out of retirement. Hey, if Craig Counsel can keep getting paid, so can Biggio!
Fantasy Scoop: Pence and Bourne don’t get picked as high as they should because they play in Houston, and everyone thinks they are so bad. But I would not be surprised if Pence puts up better numbers than Granderson, and Bourne is a top 5 base stealer in the NL.
90′s Wrestler: Ole Anderson
Sure, he’s not as good as Arn, but it doesn’t mean he’s terrible…
Pittsburgh Pirates – 2009 finish: 6th, 2010 prediction: 6th
The Rub: The Pirates will just be happy to break .500 this year. But it’s not going to happen. Sure they have a future all-star in Andrew McCutchen, and some really great prospects a couple of years away from the bigs, but they’re the Pirates. They are going to screw it up and they are going to be bad. Period.
Crazy Prediction: Pirates season canceled so Pittsburgh-ers can sit around and talk about the Steelers some more.
Fantasy Scoop: I had Zach Duke on one of my teams last year and he wasn’t as terrible as you might think. Seriously, that’s all I’ve got for these guys.
90′s Wrestler: Doink the Clown
I tried to warn you…
Up next: AL West!
*jumps through window into barrel roll*
WOOHOO! GO CARDS!
*pees on carpet, kicks down door*