Yee-haw! We are back, son!
My Boy KERSHAW!1! is back on the hill tonight and I’ll be walking us through this thing as it happens.
Bottom 1st – Well, this isn’t starting off to well, now is it. Walks have always been Kershaw’s downfall, and he just started off the season with one. Damn you, sneaky butt Pirates! Ugh, McCucthen just singled. That’s two baserunners without a single Lembeck so far. And the hits just keep on coming! Garret Jones just hit his 3rd HR of the season to put the Pirates up 3-0. This might be the shortest liveblog in the history of livebogging. [It absolutely kills me that Jones is starting on my fantasy team, and his/my success is coming at the hands of my beloved Doyers/Kershaw]. Finally! An out! Better yet, back to back outs! AND OUR FIRST LEMBECK OF THE SEASON! Sit down, Clement, you cannot handle Uncle Charles!
I’m really lucky I’m not at home right now, otherwise I would drink myself into oblivion. You know hard it is to watch someone you love so much struggle so mightily. If only Kershaw would have taken the time to chat with me at those spring training games I attended, instead of having security escort me out of the stadium and kick my ass in the parking lot.
Bottom 2nd: Cmon, hitters! Clearly Kershaw is tired from being super awesome all winter long and needs you to help him focus. And the best way for you to do that is to score some runs! Kershaw is not locating his pitches tonight. Going 3-0 on Andy La(Cock)Roche is not going to cut it [even though Andy ended up lining out]. Now, I know I sound crazy, but I’m fine with Kershaw walking the pitcher. Let’s tire that guy out running the bases so our guys can get some hits/runs. I’m not sure why my genius strategy isn’t employed by more managers (or at least Tony LaRussa, he loves crazy ideas!). Let the pitcher get on and wear his legs out. BAM! See? Kershaw so loves my strategy he Lembecks the very next hitter! Hey, at least we got out of that inning without giving up any more runs. NOW LET’S GIVE MY BOY SOME RUN SUPPORT!
Bottom 3rd: GUH! How is some guy named ‘Russ’ shutting us down so badly?! Ross is such a puny little name. Where are all the hard ‘K’ sounds? PS – I’m such a Kershaw nerd, that when ESPN’s fantasy cast (how I track games from work) shows a ‘ball’ that is in their strike square graphic, I get all pissed off at an umpire that I’m not even watching live. Great, McCutchen is on again and Jones is up again. Please don’t hit one out, please don’t hit one out…phew. Got him to ground into a fielder’s choice to second. Take that, Garrett Jones! You’ll only hit homers in back to back at-bats off spares like Padilla, never off the great KERSHAW!1! Damnit, can’t we just have one smooth inning? Now we’ve got 2nd and 3rd and 2 outs. Kershaw is already up to 60 pitches and he’s not even out of the third inning. I wonder what kind of leash they’ll have him on this early in the season? Boom! Middle is not open! Clement tried to hit back through the box but Kershaw just snapped his ass off!
Bottom 4th: Well, at least we’re not getting no-hit by this Ross character. Lembeck! LaCockRoche goes down swinging! That brings our Lembeck game AND season count up to 3. Ha ha! Walked their pitcher on 4 straight. Those suckers are playing right into my trap! Well, sorta. Kershaw got the next guy, but then walked Iwamura. What are you doing walking him, he’s not the pitcher! Phew. Thank goodness McCutchen flied out to end the inning. We did not want Garrett Jones coming up with the bases loaded.
Here’s a thought: let’s change things up and, oh I don’t know, SCORE SOME RUNS! Hey, look at that, Russ Martin must be a fine of the blog. Hi, Russ!
Bottom 5th: See? We get this guy running the bases and we’re able to rough him up a little bit. I SHOULD TOTALLY BE MANAGING IN THE PROS! Dang, it, just when the game gets interesting, I’ve got to go home from work. Well, here’s hoping Kershaw (and Los Doyers) can pull out the victory. Maybe being away from my intense stare will make things easier on him. I know how hard he tries to impress me. It’s okay, babydoll! I’ll still love you!