“Your ass is mine now!”
So for the past two days I’ve been reading about the NFL draft. Everyone is going on and on about how good the ratings were (better than NBA playoffs, by the by) and what letter grades each team deserves (Oh, cmon! The Bengals were at least a B-!).
I had assumed that in these internet travels some would have made the points that came across my mind while watching the picks. But lo and behold, they didn’t.
So here are my rum soaked thoughts that crossed my mind while watching the first round in a bar in Los Angeles.
Pictured: Why everyone hates Notre Dame
1. “The Rams should totally take Clausen with the first pick in the second round”
Okay, so the Rams took Bradford first overall because the team needs a QB. Put your hand down, I meant a real QB, Kyle Boller. But with so many top rated QBs not panning out once they reach the pros (Alex Smith, Brady Quinn, Jamarcus Russell) why wouldn’t the Rams want to increase their odds of finding their franchise QB? I think it’s a pretty good bet that one of the two top QBs coming into the draft will pan out, so eff it, take both of them. Then the other can just be a backup. Perhaps a really well paid backup, if Clausen ends up being better.
What’s he pointing at? Absolutely nothing.
2. “The Broncos are scary.”
I didn’t mean in a “oh man, that team is loaded and might destroy my team this coming up year” kind of way. No, I mean they’re scary in the way the homeless guy outside of In N Out is screaming about how the Mormons gave him AIDS is scary. You can’t really beat crazy, because crazy isn’t even playing by the same rules. Hell, crazy might not even know that you’re playing a game with them. So I will just go into this season ignoring them, hoping they don’t yell things at me while I’m walking down the street.
Never wrong.
3. “How come no one talks about Glen Dorsey being a bust?”
When the Chiefs took Eric Berry all the pundits went on and on about how the Chiefs needed hit with a pick since their last two (Dorsey and Tyson Jackson) hadn’t panned out so far. But aren’t these the same assholes who referred to Dorsey as “can’t miss” and gave the Chiefs an A for that year’s draft. It’s like, no one has a problem ripping the Jets for the Vernon Gholston pick, but no one rips the Chiefs for taking Dorsey at around the same draft slot. Could it be that they don’t want to look like asses because they talked about Dorsey the same way they talk about guys like McCoy (the DT, not the QB) or Suh? Nah, couldn’t be…
Now this is what I call a “home run draft”!
4. “I don’t see what the big deal about the Seahawks is…”
Almost unanimously people are saying the Seahawks “won” the draft. I say that’s bogus. Okung is nice OT, but saying he is going to replace Walter Jones, one of the top tackles in the game is kind of silly. Remember, two teams with o-line needs passed over him so Seattle could take him. They are also getting praise for getting the help they needed at safety with their second first round pick, but drafting safeties is such a crapshoot, right Mike Huff? I don’t like the first round price tag. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but they could have taken another playmaker in the first and had Taylor Mays with their 2nd rounder. Which duo would you rather have: Earl Thomas/Golden Tate (who they actually selected) or Dez Bryant/Taylor Mays (guys they could have had)? I’m not saying the Bryant/Mays duo WILL be better, I’m just saying that the salaries seem to fit the positions a little better.
“What was his 40 time?”
5. “Um…isn’t this whole thing a little racist?”
This is an actual thought I had towards the end of the night. I checked with one of my black friends (note the “one of”; totally not a racist!) and he said I was being crazy and perhaps was being plagued by a bit of the white guilt. But doesn’t seem a little odd to have a bunch of old rich white guys sitting around, debating the physical attributes of young men who are predominantly black? “Look how high that one can jump!” Of course, these guys are going to get paid millions of dollars, and that’s the main difference, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. “That boy sure is strong!” Another strong counterpoint is that there are black GMs and coaches making some of those picks. But they’re not the ones signing the checks for these athletes to come work on their (football) fields. Well, to be fair, no one is actually signing the checks, it’s probably just a stamp or printed on the check stock, but you get what I’m saying. “Look at those soft hands…he could work in the house!”
Okay, maybe that last one was a little too far…