IT IS I, GALACTUS, DEVOURER OF WORLDS!
Haha, just kidding y’all. It’s me! Ron Artest…
But wouldn’t it be crazy if a giant cosmic being had already eaten the Earth, and the Earth as it exists now was just the deuce nugget of the OG Earth?! I think that would be pretty crazy, but maybe that’s just me.
The guys over here at Pyle of List have asked for my thoughts on our series with the Celtics. And since they have ‘list’ in their name, I’m going to give you my Top 10 Thoughts on Game 4. Damn, I’m just like Letterman! Wouldn’t it be crazy if I was Letterman?! Like when I thought I was sleeping, I was really walking around as Dave Letterman and hosting a late night talk show. It would be just like that movie…The Land Before Time. On to the basketball stuff!
10. The Celtics came out very emotional to start the game, and got themselves going on the right foot. I get emotional when I think about my twin brother Raymond. Well, actually I don’t have a twin, but sometimes I worry that maybe I have a secret twin. Wouldn’t it be crazy if I had a secret twin my parents never told me about living in the attic?! I went up to check one time. I heard a noise and got scared and ran back down. I hope Raymond is okay up there!
9. Man, put-back dunks are so easy to make. Maybe I should do more of that…*hoists up wild three-pointer that is nowhere near basket*
8. Paul Pierce is hard to guard. Sometimes I wish he was made out of chocolate, so he would get all melt-y under the hot lights during the game. One time I found a Milky Way bar under the seat of my car. I have no idea how long it had been there, but it was basically liquid. That Milky Way wasn’t nearly as good at basketball as Paul Pierce, but it definitely provided more stimulating conversation.
7. The Celtics like to trash talk by making fun of my music career. I just calmly tell them, “that’s your opinion, and I’m gonna kill you!”. No one ever laughs at my jokes.
6. Everyone acts like Kevin Garnett is such a nice guy, but no one knows the truth. I saw this one time where he ran into the crowd at the Auburn Palace and punched a fan in the face. Oh, wait, that was me. But wouldn’t it be crazy if Kevin had done that too?! Then we could be a crime fighting duo, running into stands and punching all kinds of fans that said mean things about us and our friends. I’d call us Aqua Teen Puncher Force!
5. Say, wouldn’t this be a great time for a terrible photoshop of Sasha Vujacic looking like Wonder Woman?!
Yes. Yes it would.
4. Derek Fisher’s daughter has eye problems. Wouldn’t it be crazy if we could trade eyes with other people?! Then your eyes would be walking around in someone else’s body, seeing what they’re doing. I’d trade eyes with Ashton Kutcher for sure!
3. Everyone is always talking about what a good coach Phil Jackson is, but I just don’t see it. I mean, he wasn’t even on the show Coach! If he was really so good, they would have made that show about him.
2. Ray Allen is a good shooter. He is also a good actor. I saw him play Jesus in that movie about basketball and stuff. Wouldn’t it be crazy if Jesus played basketball?! I bet he would be really good. Like doing windmill dunks from halfcourt all like NBA Jam and stuff. No one would be him! Unless there was a team of Jews or something…
1. We need Bynum to get healthy, as he creates match-up disasters for the Celtics when he’s on the floor with Gasol.Some people think Bynum looks like Tracy Morgan. I don’t see it. But he does do a GREAT Tina Fey impression. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but I ask him to do it every time I’m a little down in the dumps. He does this thing where I dress him up like a woman on my front lawn, then run up and stab him in the face. It’s hilarious!
So there you go, everything you need to know about our Game 4 from last night. Hope you had as much fun as I did, and I hope we win Game 5! Gotta get that ring, even if it’s not a Green Lantern ring. Aw, man, wouldn’t it be crazy if…