Am I dreaming? Is the Hall of Fame game this Sunday? Finally! I know it’s a useless preseason game, however, it’s the first crack in the door to real football. I will miss World Cup Soccer though. It proved the only TV sport boring enough to lull me to sleep for a much deserved nap.
To help you prepare for the season I’d like to offer a few tips to those whose women in their lives aren’t quite as enthusiastic as you are for the start of football. It can be tricky but there are subtle ways to soften the blow. If you’re a double dipper (watching college on Saturday and NFL on Sunday) it can prove a little tougher to maintain a turbulent-free relationship.
Him: “You’re turning off the game over my dead body!”
Her: “That can be easily arranged ass-face!”
1. Monday (except Monday night of course) thru Friday dutifully complete your “Honey-dos” without fail!
“Don’t forget to empty the bag sweetie.”
2. Friday night is crucial–dinner, a movie, flowers, romance and compliments. Kickoff is just hours away. Come Saturday morning she will be still glowing from the magical evening and more likely to stay off your back.
3. Never be drawn into a meaningless fight during the week. She can do no wrong. Guilt can spoil the best of games come the weekend. (being raised Catholic I know the evils of guilt!)
4. If you gamble on games, she must NEVER know! She will hound you constantly about your winning/losing totals. If you lose money on the weekend she will nag you all week about the practical items you could have purchased with the money. If you must discuss gambling and she inquires how you did, memorize this line: “Not too bad, I’m up about five dollars”. Occasionally substitute the word “up” with “down”. On the worst of days, you lost $10.
5. If your woman hates football GREAT! Never, never try to get her interested in football. If she asks, make it so difficult to understand that she gives up. If she takes to it, prepare for a weekend full of inane questions, absurd observations, and mind-numbing dribble concerning the game. Welcome to HELL!
“Baby we kicked a touchdown!”
Remember, football is to women what the Lifetime channel is to men. With these tips and a little common sense it should be a fantastic season.
Beginning in September I will be posting my NFL winners circle for those of you who like to make the games more interesting.