Fantasy Football (once referred to as Rotisserie Football) has been around for over 25 years. I should know, I’ve been running wild, beer swilling, junk food munching drafts in my garage since the 80′s.
Unfortunately my fellow team owners didn’t appreciate me awarding myself the first 3 draft picks for hosting.
First of all, there are no “experts” when it comes to Fantasy Football. As with poker, craps, blackjack, sports betting and picking a mate, the odds are stacked against you from the start. If you check out the rosters of most league winners at the end of the season you will see 2 or 3 undrafted players on the list that came out of nowhere to have monster seasons. Miles Austin is a classic example from last year. Compare top 100 lists from year to year. They change drastically. So, if you believe, like me, there are no FF experts, read on. If not, you probably consider yourself an expert, telling me you’re an egotistical, sociopathic blight on the human race.
Here are 10 simple rules you won’t see in the $15 Fantasy Football books polluting the magazine racks this year.
1. Join a crap load of teams. The internet is bursting with leagues from free to $1000 entry fees. Join 20 leagues, odds are you will win at least 1 championship. Single that league out when bragging to your buddies. They never have to know about the 19 losers.
2. Cheat whenever possible.
3. When picking a name for your team do not include any part of your name. There is nothing more lirritating than “Billy’s Boys”, “Mark’s Maulers”, “Philly Phil’s Phanatics” or “Betty & Bob’s Bandits”.
4. Offer ridiculous trades. Nothing pisses off serious players more than a preposterous trade offer. Here’s a good one to start the season off: “I’ll give you the Bills defense for Tom Brady”.
5. When your turn in the draft approaches, decide on 2 players you want. When it’s your pick, flip a coin to decided on which one to select.
6. Start your own league with guys who no nothing about football…better yet, recruit women to join, or young kids, or your grandparents. Volunteer at a retirement home and start a league there.
7. Collude (for those of you residing in the Southern states it means conspire…ok, seceretly cheat with someone else) with last place team owner, playing on his disdain for any of those ahead of him in standings.
8. Any trade offers (not involving yourself of course) scream cheat, fraud, collusion (ok rednecks, seceretly cheating) or fix. It just might intemidate the weaker owners from seeking future trades.
“Isee talkin’ ’bout us Billy Bob?”
9. Much like a Tiger hunting a young, defenseless Zebra from the herd for slaughter, identify the weak or ignorant owners and become their buddy. It just might come in handy at season’s end. If you need him to lose a game so you make the playoffs he just might trust you enough to take your advice and sit Adrian Peterson and play Brian Leonard, 3rd string RB for the Bengals.
Not humping, hunting!
10. Last and most important, HAVE FUN–and the only way to accomplish that is to win your league! Remember, from January to September is a long stretch and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of the other owners endless, junivial taunts for 8 months. When it comes to Fantasy Football, “Winning isn’t everything”…well, you know the rest.
Pete Whalon
Also, checkout my website: www.saigonzoo and read the first chapter from my vietnam memoir about my 22 months in Vietnam as a lifeguard at a swimming pool. It’s the only funny book on Nam you will find. I actually enjoyed my time in the lost war.
Love the pictures in this post!