by Pete Whalon
1. Ben Roethlisberger Fails Team Weigh-in: Our hidden cameras caught Big Ben stretching before his morning run around his BBQ pit. “Do these pants make my butt look big?” Ben was overheard asking his trainer.
2. Favre Marries Madden: In a shocker that rocked football fans around the globe, John Madden and Brett Favre secretly flew to Las Vegas and tied the knot. Reportedly, after the ceremony at the reception in the Mandalay Bay buffet line, Brett tossed John a pork chop that was intercepted by a blackjack dealer from Caesars Palace.
3. Al Davis Dead: It was reported this morning that Al Davis actually died on October 23, 2008. His body was kept frozen during the week and propped up in his Owner’s Box each Sunday for the game. His arm and head movements for the TV cameras were made possible by a midget standing behind him maneuvering his limbs. “He smelled like rotten fish, but the pay was great” the little man told reporters.
4. Michael Vick Mauled to Death: Just as Vick crossed the goal line in Sunday’s game, 2 Pit Bulls jumped from the stands on onto the field, caught Vick in midair and tore his body to shreds. In an obvious act of revenge, one of the pooches circled the field with Vick’s head in his powerful jaws, much to the delight of the frenzied crowd. Instant replay reviewed the touchdown and ruled that the dogs had bitten off his arm with the ball before crossing the goal line, thus taking away the apparent score. The 2 Pits were released with a warning.
5. T.O’s. “Duct Tape” Clause: It was revealed today that one of the conditions of T.O’s contract with the Bengals states, “Mr. Owens must apply Duct tape to cover his entire mouth 1 hour before kickoff and leave it in place for 1 hour after game. The trainer will supply 3 new rolls of tape before each game to Mr. Owens official “Orifice Tape Specialist.” T.O was unavailable for comment due to the fact he was practicing putting on and taking off his league issued tape.
6. Jerry Jones Face-lifts Concern Surgeons: Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, received some disturbing news recently. One of his many Plastic Surgeons issued a stern warning to the aging egomaniac: “Jerry, if your skin is pulled back anymore your penis will pop out of the top button of your shirt!”, to which Jones replied, “Do ya think the cheerleaders would like that doc?” Love him or hate him, he’s an arrogant idiot!
by Pete Whalon,
Check out my website: www.saigonzoo.com
PETE,
YOUR IMAGINATION HAS GONE WILD. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING???
FERRIS