Today marks the beginning of another season of college football. Here are some tips that will help fans make the most of the next few months:
-Ruin all of your friends’ credit ratings so none of them will ask you to spend a Saturday helping them move
-Figure out what color jerseys your team wears
-Memorize past victories against all of your scheduled opponents in case you lose to one of them this season
-Practice arguing bad calls by yelling at your dog until it wets itself
-Map out the quickest way to the coach’s house so that you can egg it at a moment’s notice
-Stretch out your throwing arm in case your son ever convinces you to pry yourself away from the TV for five minutes to acknowledge his existence
-Watch ESPN so you can be told what you should be paying attention to
-Learn background information on all the players so your insults will have that personal touch
-Instead of enjoying white wine or champagne during games, try drinking beer instead
