Toronto Raptors player Demar DeRozan, who competed in the NBA All-Star game’s dunk contest over the weekend, spoke out against it by saying, “I’m a dunker. Dunk contests, you go out there and dunk. I’m not into all the props and everything.”
My buddy Zack over at Lost Angeles agrees with DeRozan, and while I enjoy the spectacle, I have to admit it’s getting a little out of hand. In order to keep topping each other, players are going to have to start hiring directors to coordinate their dunks for them.
Here’s what some of those dunks might look like if directed by some of the most famous movie-makers out there:
Steven Spielberg: Player executes a visually stunning dunk while working through all of his daddy issues.
Michael Bay: Player dunks in slow-motion. Player walks away from hoop in slow-motion. Player explodes. In slow-motion.
Guillermo Del Toro: The rim grows teeth and the backboard sprouts legs, chasing the player down to consume him and the ball.
Robert Zemeckis: Player performs an average dunk that goes over well with audience but then he keeps repeating it, allowing everyone to realize it wasn’t all that great.
Spike Lee: Player refuses to dunk because that’s exactly what a racist audience expects a large black man to do.
Quentin Tarantino: Player uses the best part of dunks from little seen foreign players and vintage Harlem Globetrotters.
George Lucas: Ball is replaced with CGI. It is now a wise-cracking character that speaks with a ridiculous Indian accent.
Christopher Nolan: Player does a number of beautiful dunks but spends twenty minutes between each one explaining exactly what he’s about to do and why it is very important.
James Cameron: Entire arena is flooded so that player can dunk underwater.
M. Night Shyamalan: Player looks good throughout beginning of the dunk but twists awkwardly at the last moment, hitting his head on the rim and collapsing onto the floor until he bleeds to death.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jon Pyle, Jonathan Kuhn. Jonathan Kuhn said: The blockbuster dunks you might see next year: http://www.pyleoflist.com/2011/02/23/if-hollywood-directors-took-over-the-dunk-contest/ [...]
First, I love the idea of this. Second, I love Spike Lee’s reaction. Priceless.