College Football 2011 Preview

College football returns this week, an oasis finally found in the midst of months of wandering through the desert. And even though no games have been played yet, the Associated Press has already ranked the Top 25 teams.

Well, that seems silly. But since they went to all that (guess)work, I’ll mention the primary concerns of each team on the list as they prepare for the upcoming season.

#1 Oklahoma: Still haven’t figured out a way to hide Bob Stoops’ third chin during TV interviews

#2 Alabama: Actually have to try to win another national championship because if they just re-aired the games from two seasons ago at least half of their fans would be smart enough to figure it out

#3 Oregon: The snake oil they bought from Willie Lyles doesn’t seem to be making the players run any faster

#4 LSU: Personnel issues are stressing Les Miles out so much that he’s biting his fingernails instead of eating grass

#5 Boise State: Despite all of their success over the years, Boise still not actually a state

#6 Florida State: The law of nature prevents anyone with the name “Jimbo” from being successful at anything that people actually care about

#7 Stanford: Andrew Luck talking way too excitedly about his architecture classes

#8 Texas A&M: Other teams in the Big 12 might be mad that they want to leave the conference and try to beat them in games

#9 Oklahoma State: Some idiot gave all of Dana Holgorsen’s leftover Red Bull to Mike Gundy

#10 Nebraska: Their offense might finally catch up with their defense if their defense gets really really bad

#11 Wisconsin: Making their linemen fatter isn’t a problem but how much is too much

#12 South Carolina: If they make the national title game, that will take away a lot of Steve Spurrier’s December golfing time

#13 Virginia Tech: No one quite sure what “Beamer Ball” means anymore

#14 TCU: Their winning streak might end, or it might not, and still no one will care

#15 Arkansas: One injury away from basically being out of offensive players

#16 Notre Dame: Oddly, many of the players look terrible in green

#17 Michigan State: All the quarterbacks still waking up in cold sweat thinking about the Capital One Bowl

#18 Ohio State: Everything’s totally fine

#19 Georgia: Strategy of “let A. J. Green do something amazing” will no longer work

#20 Mississippi State: Actually have some expectations this year

#21 Missouri: Defensive line keeps running the wrong direction after the ball is snapped

#22 Florida: Will Muschamp angry

#23 Auburn: Wondering if they have to pay Barrett Trotter too even though he isn’t that good

#24 West Virginia: Keep having too many players on the field because no one in state can count that high

#25 USC: Players keep wondering what they’re playing for, not in the sense that they can’t go to a bowl game, but in the deeper context of the very meaning of life